My Story of Brokenness

My story of brokenness started when I least expected it. Life was good, God was great, all was well. Young, newly married, good job, great church, we were busy making memories and building our life together. It was a hot 4th of July afternoon and I was in my kitchen finishing the fruit salad for a BBQ with friends that evening when the phone call came…a number I didn’t recognize…a girl I only vaguely knew on the other end and suddenly my world was spinning, I was dizzy, had someone just hit me in the back of the head? I was seeing spots, ringing in my ears, I thought I might throw up, I had to sit down…as I heard her explain that my husband was being unfaithful and she listed name after name after name. At this point I was sure the wind had been knocked out of me…the seconds of silence felt like ages, I tried to breathe but I couldn’t, I opened my mouth but there were no words. I kept swallowing so I didn’t throw up and managed to ask, “Are you sure?”, “How do you know?”, “Do you have any proof?” convincing myself she probably had her facts mixed up, maybe she had the wrong guy, the wrong wife, the wrong phone number…

A few days later…I returned home to find a tiny hand written note taped to front door: “I can’t hurt you anymore. I’m sorry. Goodbye.” Fingers shaking, legs trembling I open the door to an empty house…

It was as if my husband had died but with the added insult of infidelity, adultry, and rejection. With seemingly no warning…he was gone. In fact — the shame and rejection was so intense, when asked or prompted to speak of the events, I would tell people “I lost my husband.” Misleading…yes. Dishonest…yes. But I had no idea where he went or who he was with and sadly, that was the cry of my heart — that God would take either him, or even better perhaps me. Following was a downward spiral and several years of brokenness…

An eating disorder, unhealthy and destructive behavior, severe anxiety, depression, alcohol, and more. Relationships with anyone who pursued me — anyone that didn’t reject me — but all the while I rejected myself, and punished myself for the failure of my marriage. I was angry…at God…at life…at me…at my husband…at those girls…and I took it all out on myself. After those very hard years — I was good as new! Hahahaha — WRONG.

By all appearances to others it would have seemed that I “had it all together” and even I believed that I was “better”. I had moved across the state, changed back to my maiden name, started over, and I vowed that no one in this new town would ever know what had happened to me. With my slate wiped clean, I was going to have the life I intended to have to begin with. If no one knew what had happened to me…it was as if it didn’t really happen – right!? But God still had many more lessons to teach me about forgiveness, trusting him, letting go of control, etc. Now looking back I can see that it was then that the healing was only just beginning.

It’s been a long road but now…so many years later…from a whole new angle (through a much bigger lens) and with a fresh perspective…I’m able to see what God was up to all along (or at least glimpses of it). It’s amazing how much bigger and better his plan for my life was/is than my own could ever be. You probably won’t find me volunteering to go through it all over again…but oh how blessed I am that he walked by me through those darkest of moments, and oh how unworthy I am of the life I have today. At a worship leaders convention Laura Story left us with this thought one night: “How can God use you to lead others out of the valley unless you’ve been there yourself?” So here I am…beautifully broken myself but learning to let God’s light shine through the cracks.

Philippians 1:6 — For I am confidant of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect until the day of Christ Jesus