The Time I Realized That My Husband Didn't Believe That I Loved Him...

And that time...was last night.  Wives I hope you'll stop making the same mistake I have.

Earlier in the day we had counseled and spoke with a friend over lunch enduring a separation and possibly a divorce, and tried to offer our support.  Having both been through something similar, my husband and I can relate and so we shared some wisdom from our own experiences...which is of no comfort to the one suffering...but it's all we can do really.  Be there, listen, nod, and occasionally offer up some examples of what TO do during this very painful time, and...from me...a lot of what NOT to do. :)

Talking through those details with our friend, brought back a lot of pain, memories that I've managed to block-out and flashbacks that sometimes feel like a lifetime ago, sometimes feel like yesterday, and other times...feel like someone else's life entirely!  Perhaps that contributed to me feeling extra sensitive or emotional yesterday...and also very reflective.

As we drove home after lunch I was sharing that God's been putting some kind of ministry or outreach for college students on my heart.  I was telling him about how we aren't perfect of course, and we don't have it ALL figured out, but that I felt our Godly marriage could serve as an example to them...many who are at an age where they may be searching for, or dating their future spouse.  "I doubt we've ever been accused of being "cool", but we might be cool enough to form some good relationships and share some wisdom with college aged kids", I said.  

What his ears heard was me committing us to one MORE obligation which will inevitably add to me being stressed out and spread thin this fall while I'm coaching volleyball, he's coaching football, and we're both gone on the weekends to games...which means...I'll feel unprepared and be tense and short with him Sunday mornings while I try to go over the material last minute and then cry when I ask him to take on some of it and he says "no" (which is a word firmly secured in his vocabulary, but not mine).  He didn't say any of that...but I know him, and I'm guessing something similar to this did go through his brain! :)

Anyway, as I listed off reasons why we would make a good team and what I pictured for this college connect group what I failed to do, was keep it simple and talk about the motivation at its very CORE...and that is...how much I love him!  Why do I feel so passionate about starting a college connect group?  Well, 1.) because God's been putting it on my heart, but the reason I haven't ignored the nudging as I so conveniently do in other situations where God is nudging me is because 2.) I love my husband!

In a society where we have a lot of "boys" but a tragic shortage of "men", I know how fortunate I am! I married a MAN, and at that...a man of God!  He's patient and consistent; he's a smart but simple man; he's big and strong...yet humble; he's a man of his word and he's a man of God's word; he works hard to provide plenty yet is happy with little and is ever-teaching me how to live more practically, how to prioritize, how to be content with only what we need and not be attached to "things" that we don't; he's generous and selfless; he'd rather be home with me than be out at a bar with friends; and most of all...he's faithful.  In a culture rampant with affairs and pornography addictions, and my past that involved a serial adulterer...I can't tell you how precious this is to me.

So, I could have said any of those things...I could have explained that it's because I admire him so much, and I want to be by his side, and I think boys need more real MEN to be leaders and to mentor...but I didn't.  Instead the conversation fizzled out by agreeing to pray about it and on with our day we went.  

In the evening we had a BBQ with our bible study group and we were surrounded by couples.  Social events like this always make me uncomfortable...my anxiety struggles are very real...even when it's a group of people I know and love.  So my default is to cling close to him...like a toddler around its moms legs (not kidding)...and smile to disguise tightness in my chest and the ridiculous urge to run sit in the car.  It's also at events like this...when wives might look across the way at "so and so" whom appears to have a most blissful marriage...and think "I wish my husband were more like her's."  Wives, you know it's true...and maybe you are even guilty of it at times yourself.  Whether it's a BBQ with your bible study, or co-workers, or neighbors...whatever it is...in our world of constant comparison and dependency on social media (which allows people to show you ONLY that which they want you to see)...it's an easy trap to fall in!  But last night...as I settled into some level of comfort and chatted with many, I consistently looked across the way at him, always within ear shot, and listened to him laugh and joke with the other husbands in our group while thinking about how much I love him.

Upon returning home, while we watched the news, I lowered the lid to my laptop and peered over to him to say, "Honey, I just want to thank you for being such a good husband and taking such good care of me", to which he got a weird look on his face, tilted his head and stared at me.  I said, "Why are you looking at me like that?"  He said, "I assume you're about to drop a bomb or tell me that you did something you shouldn't have".  

Fast forward 30 minutes as we were crawling into bed and once again I felt compelled to thank him for working so hard and for loving me so much etc.  He rolled over, looked at me suspiciously and said, "Why are you being so nice to me?"  I said, "uhhhh because I love you?"  His reply was "yeah but not really..." and I quickly said, "Yes I do! You know that, I tell you all the time!" to which he said, "No you don't, not like this..." 

OUCH...my instinct was to argue about whether I do or do not tell him all the time but as he slept I realized...he was right!  I don't tell him all the time, I THINK it silently to myself all the time. I tell OTHER people how lucky I am.  I swell up with happiness and joy when others ask about him when he's not with me.  I get warm fuzzies when I hear from someone what a great guy he is, or what an incredible football coach or landscaper he is.  And my heart breaks for other wives and women who have husbands that care more about sports bars, beers, cleavage, golf, hunting, or whatever else they do to keep from having to spend time at home with their wife...but he can't HEAR my thoughts! 

(side note: I'm not implying that husbands who have hobbies are bad! I'm referring to those situations with a lack of balance where the hobby has become far more important than the wife).

My husband knows me very well, but he doesn't know my heart when I don't share it (nor does your husband know your heart when you don't share it).  He knows I love him in the obligatory wife kind of way but he FORGETS all the things I love about him when I don't tell him.  Worse yet...wives themselves often forget when they don't verbalize and stay mindful of all the great things about their husbands.  If you're critical like I am, it's much easier to spot the mud on the floor off the bottom of his boots than it is to recognize how much his feet hurt after an exhausting day at work.

So...what I realized last night is that I have to continually get better at telling him I love him in a genuine, sincere way...and I have to tell him WHY.  Also, I have to do it often enough that he believes me!  It shouldn't cause my husband to be suspicious or leery of me from complimenting and building him up like I was last night! Love changes and evolves over time.  As you "grow old" with someone - it's true that some of the things you first fell in love with in a person may be the same things you love about them later in life - but it's also true that you may find new and powerful reasons you love your spouse as you go through life's chapters and challenges with that man.

So wives...don't make my mistake.  Commit along with me to building your husband up, focusing on the things he does well and what you admire about him, and then TELL him...often...out loud...so he knows...or more importantly, so his heart believes. 

Song of Solomon 3:4   I have found the one whom my soul loves.

~ Lenay