The Pain and Brokenness of Infertility

Originally Posted on Tuesday, May 10th, 2011

My heart is heavy as I blog about this particular struggle and the brokenness it can cause. It may seem a strange blog topic to those who know me as I have neither had children, nor struggled with infertility. BUT, I do know many around me in my sphere that have. In fact — all of us likely do. Statistics show that 1 out of 10 or 10% of couples struggle with this painful experience. Infertility is a diagnosis used when a couple has tried for 12 months or more but been unsuccessful with pregnancy.

On the heels of Mother’s Day I felt God putting this on my heart. While many celebrate their own mothers and being a mother, and we might recognize the oldest mother, the mother with the most children, the mother with the newest baby etc… it occurred to me Sunday in church that there were several women (couples) right there in my midst that felt their hearts being ripped out of their chest as they tried to smile and be happy for the “moms” while they ached and their eyes filled with tears over the hurt and frustration of why they themselves have not been blessed as a mother (parents).

I don’t think most women imagine themselves struggling to get pregnant. It’s not part of the fairy tale in our head. It seems like such a normal flow — you get married — then you start a family. So it can catch so many off guard when that time comes to start their family and they’re unsuccessful. And the pain of infertility is a monthly roller coaster of pain. It’s not the type of pain that is overwhelming initially but then subsides over time as healing happens — it’s new every month. And each month more defeating than the last…and what about when they finally do get pregnant but are unable to carry the baby and the long-awaited pregnancy ends in miscarriage or still birth!? During this time they’re likely invited to any number of baby showers, reading facebook announcements from all kinds of friends celebrating pregnancy, sharing sonogram pictures, or announcing the birth of their newest addition.

The pain of infertility can lead to brokenness in a number of ways. Women or couples can become angry at God questioning why He isn’t blessing them with children (and too can be so blinded by the pain that they are unable to see blessings He IS showering them with), they can believe lies the enemy tells them that they’re being punished for past mistakes or that God doesn’t think they’ll make good parents. It can spur anger and resentment towards friends, neighbors, coworkers, family, and others that seemingly have NO troubles getting pregnant. It can also take the intimacy that God created for husband and wife and turn it into a full time “job” that consists of cycle tracking, temperature taking, scheduling etc. The brokenness can cause finger pointing, blame, or resentment between husband and wife especially when tests reveal that one or the other partner is the reason for the infertility and what about when the husband doesn’t know how to comfort his crying wife and she doesn’t understand why he doesn’t appear to be as hurt as she is…and the vicious cycle goes on…and months turn into years for so many couples. I heard one woman speaking on the radio about struggling for 20 years with infertility! As month after month ends in disappointment, more tests, more shots, more specialists…at some point — many women stop allowing themselves the freedom to hope and often depression wins out.

At the same time I imagine the husband begins to question his worth and her love for him as it seems that she no longer cares about him and cares only about getting pregnant and having a baby. When he feels that he isn’t doing that for her it seems to him she’d be happier without him…in creeps feelings of inadequacy for the man and questioning his own manhood which brings about defeat. You can see how devastating this struggle can be and how easily it can take a toll on a marriage. My heart goes out to those who have been through or are in this season of life right now — wanting so badly to bear children but every month bringing them more sadness.

So why again would I blog about something I know nothing about!? Well — this blog isn’t about only MY brokenness — it’s about the fact that all of us are broken and need God’s strength, His healing touch, His cleansing blood and so much more. But because I don’t “know” infertility like so many of you do — I want to encourage comments on this entry. Share your verses of encouragement, songs, books, devotionals, anything that you’ve found healing or helpful. Most of all — I’d love for you to message me your story if you’re willing that I might share it or parts of it to minister to others. How did God see you through this season in your life or how is He walking by your side right now if you’re in the midst of this? (If requested, I’m happy to change your name to protect your privacy should I share parts of your story)
Remember…God doesn’t waste pain and he tells us “in this world – you will have troubles” but I love the beauty of the church and Christian community that we can come along side and pick or lift one another up!

One book I’ve heard great things about (I haven’t read it so I don’t have a first hand recommendation) is called:
Empty Womb, Aching Heart: Hope and Help for Those Struggling with Infertility by Marlo Schalesky

Maybe some reader has read it and can share insights!? I look forward to your responses