The Pain and Brokenness of Infertility–Part 4

Originally Posted on Tuesday, May 31st, 2011

To wrap up this look at infertility and the heartache and brokenness it can cause…I’ll return to author Marlo Schalesky and another piece she kindly shared with me. She writes her story about a miracle pregnancy after years of infertility. I hesitated at first to post this one knowing that for some…hearing how another finally conceived is the furthest thing from comfort — yet for others — the hope this piece shares might be comforting.
Ultimately some are called to be biological parents, and others may be called to foster or adopt. At a worship leader conference a while back we had a speaker that really challenged us saying (something to this effect), ” In the end — will God care how pretty your music was, or how great your sound was inside the 4 walls of the church? Or will he want to know what you did for the homeless across the street, the children without mothers, the widowed, and the weak?” That same speaker went on to share an alarming and fascinating statistic about adoption and orphans. He said that if just 7% of the people that claim to be born-again Christians would adopt 1 child, there would be no more orphans on this earth. WOW! That opened my eyes.
Anyway…here is the piece from Marlo.
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Pregnant At 40 — Marlo Schalesky

I laughed. Out loud. I couldn’t help it. Because for most of my adult life I’ve been dealing with infertility. So, after twenty years of never being able to have a baby without extensive medical intervention, it seemed silly to be asked about birth control. But that’s exactly what my doctor did. And I laughed at her.
“No, I won’t be needing that,” I said.
She scribbled on my chart. “Are you sure?”
Oh, I was sure all right. I’d spent my first five years of marriage not getting pregnant, followed by fifteen more years undergoing infertility treatments. A few treatments were successful, resulting in four wonderful little girls. Most treatments, however, were not.
And now, after four final treatment cycles, I was done. It was over. All the frozen embryos were used up. The bank account was dry, and I had turned forty. We had such hopes that one of the final embryos would become a baby. The girls had prayed and prayed for a little brother. But after all those years on the infertility journey, the end had come with a series of difficult miscarriages and not the prayed-for baby. So, no, I didn’t need any birth control. Hardly. The chances of me getting pregnant without treatment were just about zero.
Or so I thought.
Because God had other plans.
I would discover those plans six weeks later with a home pregnancy test that I was certain would be negative. My husband, Bryan, was outside driving his tractor when I took the test. I stared in disbelief as two lines appeared in the test window. Positive. Unbelievable. I ran out to the yard and flagged Bryan down on his tractor. He shut off the engine.
“You aren’t going to believe this.” I waved the white test stick in his direction.
He took it from me. “That can’t be right.”
“I know.”
“Call the doctor.”
I did. This time, she laughed at me. And seven and a half months later, right on time, we had a beautiful baby boy. A miracle baby who was not part of my plans, but was always a part of God’s.
Funny thing was, our miracle baby wasn’t the final answer to my infertility; rather, he was the confirmation of what I had learned through it. What God said to the Israelites in Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV) is the same thing He says to me in my journey: “’For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” I’ve learned to read this verse with the emphasis on I. God knows His plans for me, even when I don’t see them, don’t understand them, can’t fathom the answer to the question of “why.” And the plans are His plans, not mine.
After all, I never planned on infertility. I expected to get married and have kids, no problem, just like everyone else I knew. But God’s plan was to lead me down a different road to show me truths about Himself that I would have never seen otherwise. Through the longing for a baby, I learned that I must yearn for God more. Through month after month of trying and failing, I learned that I’m not the god of my life, He is. There are things I cannot control, cannot achieve, no matter how hard I try. Through prayers that went unanswered, I learned I couldn’t measure God’s love for me based on my circumstances.
But most of all, God showed me how to pry my white-knuckled fingers off my own hopes and dreams for my life in order to embrace His dreams, His vision for who I am. He taught me to live the life He has given me, with love and hope, even when it’s not the life I dreamed. He taught me to choose to love anyway, to believe anyway, to trust anyway.
Now, as I sit and play peek-a-boo with a new baby boy, as I gaze into his tiny face, as I change tiny diapers and tickle a tiny tummy, I remember to embrace the road God has me on, because He sees what’s ahead even when I don’t. I remember that God is full of surprises, and purpose. All I have to do is trust Him, and follow Him on the path He lays out for my life. For He says, “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways… As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways …,” (Isaiah 55:8-9 NIV) even when His ways include infertility, or a miracle baby given when all hope for “baby brother” seems lost.
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I’m so thankful for the personal messages I’ve received from many of you — and for Marlo’s willingness to share. Please know that I’d love to hear and possibly share your story — whether it relates to infertility or not. And I hope these last couple verses linger with you like they did me as another reminder that:
Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God you are higher than any other
Our God is healer, awesome in power
Our God, our God

The Pain and Brokenness of Infertility–Prt 3

Originally Posted on Wednesday, May 25th, 2011

I thought this would be my last post on this particular topic. I planned to share the second writing from author Marlo Schalesky and then move on to some new material…So for those of you ready to read about something different — I’m sorry.

This exploration of infertility, the journey and struggle that so many couples face has just totally gripped me. I was so hesitant to even dip my toes in this water…feeling like I have no experience therefore I have no right to blog or write about it. I guess I feared one wrong word would upset a huge population of women (couples) who are consumed with hurt. I remember in the depths of my own despair it was in everyone’s best interest to walk on eggshells around me. One wrong word could really set me off. One well-intentioned person trying to offer me advice or condolences could cause me to erupt with anger, lash out, and feel the sting all over again.

But truthfully, I shouldn’t be so surprised…it’s not entirely NEW to me. I’ve always had an intensely tender spot in my heart for women faced with this struggle…those close to me…and those I don’t know. Twice I made the decision to donate my eggs in the hopes they might be the answer to prayer and the miracle that some couple longed for. I’ll never know if the donations were successful or if the receiving couples have a healthy baby now to love, but I knew it was a small thing I could do so it was an easy decision for me.
Anyway — I’m breaking from Marlo’s pieces today to insert some YouTube video I found.

Now many of you know music is my first love. It is the core of who I am and singing, performing, leading worship, making music…few things bring me happiness like that. So…if I manage to go 1 or more posts between sharing a song — I’m really proud of myself! I’ve gone several posts now (I think) so this song…I had to share.

Consider yourselves warned: Have Kleenex near. For those of you struggling with infertility — this video manages to capture so many different situations and different struggles. Particularly the idea that so many women have…that their struggle now to get pregnant or to carry the baby to term is somehow punishment for their past mistakes, sins, etc. But I want to remind you what God’s word says in Psalm 103:12 — as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. If you are forgiven in Christ — those sins are yours no more — that slate is wiped clean.

Now – I know a video like this could take a “good day” (so to speak) and turn it into a heartwrenching one…so watch with caution. I’m certain that my words, nor Marlo’s, nor any video or song can ease the pain. That, I know, only God can do. But to know that you are not alone, that what you’re feeling is like that of so many others…maybe there is some small comfort in that. In the end…only God can take the pain from you…and He longs to!

Link #1 is a song/video by Kellie Coffey (whom I love to perform at my country shows) called: I Would Die For That


Link #2 I’m sharing for the song…not so much the video. I don’t find the video quite as powerful as link #1 but this is a song by Third Day called “When the Rain Comes” and if you’re like me at all — and find some kind of healing in songs — then this is one to add to your collection. It applies to any situation of pain, brokenness and hurting.

The Pain and Brokenness of Infertility – Part 2

Originally Posted on Friday, May 20th, 2011

That first post last week was difficult for me to type. I wasn’t sure how it would be received knowing that I had NO experience personally. After I resigned myself to tackle what God had laid on my heart I wondered, “Now what?”. I knew it would touch some people in such a personal way and I was hoping it would prompt some to share their stories that they might minister to others. However, there are a number of reasons why someone might not be comfortable sharing. I could have felt frustrated or discouraged (which would have been my typical reaction) but instead I prayed and chose to contact author of the book, “Empty Womb, Aching Heart” Marlo Schalesky and she kindly and graciously agreed to share some bits and pieces of her story.

So with her permission, I’m sharing today her first piece which was written years ago in the midst of her 20 year struggle with infertility. That’s not a typo — I know…for some of you the thought that this struggle could go on for that long is devastating. Maybe it’s been 2 years or 5 years for you and you can’t even fathom 20 years of this roller coaster. No words of mine, nor words of Marlo’s for that matter, can comfort your aching heart. Only God’s word, His presence, His promise, and His truth can set you free from the destruction and devastation that comes with infertility. He is…the ultimate comforter and friend.

The Rainbow’s Promise – by Marlo Schalesky:

It wasn’t supposed to happen like this. Even when I was a little girl and boys had cooties, I knew that someday I’d grow up, get married, and have children. After all, didn’t everyone?
But the years passed, and no children came. No morning sickness, no rounding belly, no baby showers filled with cute little booties and boxes of diapers. Soon, hope turned to fear and trips to the mall changed to travels to the doctor’s office. But still, no babies. What was happening to all our dreams?
Infertility, I have found, is a journey, a monthly journey that swings between hope and disappointment, and rarely leaves me unchanged. It always starts the same, with that insidious whisper of hope. Could this be the month? Could I be pregnant? I feel a little pain and wonder if it means something. My stomach flutters, and I think that perhaps it’s morning sickness. I know I shouldn’t get my hopes up again, but I can’t help it. I count the days. Twenty-six, twenty-seven, twenty-eight. I hold my breath. Twenty-nine, I release it. Thirty. Two days late. Thirty-one. This is it! Thirty-two. The bleeding starts. My heart breaks. Again.
This month was no different. I sat on the edge of my bed and told myself not to cry. But I cried anyway. Great, raindrop-sized tears. I wrapped my arms around myself and looked out the window. Storm clouds gathered in the sky. I shivered, hating the weather, hating the tightness in my throat, the wetness on my cheeks. Every month it was the same, hope and disappointment chasing each other in countless loops along the path of my life.
The sound of a chair scraping against linoleum penetrated my senses. A dish clattered in the sink. I grabbed a tissue and tried to stifle my tears.
Footsteps echoed in the hallway. I sighed and opened the door. In a moment, my husband Bryan reached the bedroom. For a full minute, he stood in the doorway, not knowing if he should come in and try to comfort me, or just turn around and walk away. Our eyes met.
He shook his head. “Not this month either, huh?”
I didn’t answer.
Slowly, he left the bedroom and ambled back to the kitchen. I returned to the bed and sat on the edge. My hand moved over the rough patchwork quilt made by my grandmother. An heirloom, something to be passed down from generation to generation. I frowned and reached for the sweater that was tossed across my pillow.
Then, something unusual happened. Something that didn’t happen the previous month, or the month before. A shaft of light, bright and warm, sliced through the clouds to illuminate a patchwork rose. I watched the light, then glanced up and out the window. There, in the distance, beyond the storm, a rainbow arched through the sky. Purple, blue, green, yellow, orange, and red, the colors stood in brilliant contrast to the grayness of the day.
I caught my breath and remembered a promise given thousands of years ago. A vow from Genesis 9:12-17 that it would not rain forever. God’s assurance of love, His guarantee that the sun will shine again.
I stood and rested my elbows on the windowsill. Outside it was still dark, still dreary. But in the distance, I saw a break in the clouds. There, the sun flickered through. And in that moment, I got a glimpse of the path of my life. As I live through the storm of infertility, the way is dark and full of tears. But somewhere out there, the rains will cease. Someday, all this will be behind me. God has promised me that much. God has promised that He will not leave me nor forsake me. He has promised me the rainbow.
So, for now, I look to the future and learn to see this month’s disappointment against the backdrop of eternity. I tell myself to keep my eye, not on today’s pain, but on the goal of a life lived in a way worthy of Christ, who calls me His own. For I know that someday I will bask in the Son.

Once again — I thank Marlo for her openness and willingness to share and her passion to reach out to others like her, are battling infertility. If you want to read an excerpt from her book or find out more about Marlo you can visit her website here: http://www.marloschalesky.com/books/nonfiction/

The Pain and Brokenness of Infertility

Originally Posted on Tuesday, May 10th, 2011

My heart is heavy as I blog about this particular struggle and the brokenness it can cause. It may seem a strange blog topic to those who know me as I have neither had children, nor struggled with infertility. BUT, I do know many around me in my sphere that have. In fact — all of us likely do. Statistics show that 1 out of 10 or 10% of couples struggle with this painful experience. Infertility is a diagnosis used when a couple has tried for 12 months or more but been unsuccessful with pregnancy.

On the heels of Mother’s Day I felt God putting this on my heart. While many celebrate their own mothers and being a mother, and we might recognize the oldest mother, the mother with the most children, the mother with the newest baby etc… it occurred to me Sunday in church that there were several women (couples) right there in my midst that felt their hearts being ripped out of their chest as they tried to smile and be happy for the “moms” while they ached and their eyes filled with tears over the hurt and frustration of why they themselves have not been blessed as a mother (parents).

I don’t think most women imagine themselves struggling to get pregnant. It’s not part of the fairy tale in our head. It seems like such a normal flow — you get married — then you start a family. So it can catch so many off guard when that time comes to start their family and they’re unsuccessful. And the pain of infertility is a monthly roller coaster of pain. It’s not the type of pain that is overwhelming initially but then subsides over time as healing happens — it’s new every month. And each month more defeating than the last…and what about when they finally do get pregnant but are unable to carry the baby and the long-awaited pregnancy ends in miscarriage or still birth!? During this time they’re likely invited to any number of baby showers, reading facebook announcements from all kinds of friends celebrating pregnancy, sharing sonogram pictures, or announcing the birth of their newest addition.

The pain of infertility can lead to brokenness in a number of ways. Women or couples can become angry at God questioning why He isn’t blessing them with children (and too can be so blinded by the pain that they are unable to see blessings He IS showering them with), they can believe lies the enemy tells them that they’re being punished for past mistakes or that God doesn’t think they’ll make good parents. It can spur anger and resentment towards friends, neighbors, coworkers, family, and others that seemingly have NO troubles getting pregnant. It can also take the intimacy that God created for husband and wife and turn it into a full time “job” that consists of cycle tracking, temperature taking, scheduling etc. The brokenness can cause finger pointing, blame, or resentment between husband and wife especially when tests reveal that one or the other partner is the reason for the infertility and what about when the husband doesn’t know how to comfort his crying wife and she doesn’t understand why he doesn’t appear to be as hurt as she is…and the vicious cycle goes on…and months turn into years for so many couples. I heard one woman speaking on the radio about struggling for 20 years with infertility! As month after month ends in disappointment, more tests, more shots, more specialists…at some point — many women stop allowing themselves the freedom to hope and often depression wins out.

At the same time I imagine the husband begins to question his worth and her love for him as it seems that she no longer cares about him and cares only about getting pregnant and having a baby. When he feels that he isn’t doing that for her it seems to him she’d be happier without him…in creeps feelings of inadequacy for the man and questioning his own manhood which brings about defeat. You can see how devastating this struggle can be and how easily it can take a toll on a marriage. My heart goes out to those who have been through or are in this season of life right now — wanting so badly to bear children but every month bringing them more sadness.

So why again would I blog about something I know nothing about!? Well — this blog isn’t about only MY brokenness — it’s about the fact that all of us are broken and need God’s strength, His healing touch, His cleansing blood and so much more. But because I don’t “know” infertility like so many of you do — I want to encourage comments on this entry. Share your verses of encouragement, songs, books, devotionals, anything that you’ve found healing or helpful. Most of all — I’d love for you to message me your story if you’re willing that I might share it or parts of it to minister to others. How did God see you through this season in your life or how is He walking by your side right now if you’re in the midst of this? (If requested, I’m happy to change your name to protect your privacy should I share parts of your story)
Remember…God doesn’t waste pain and he tells us “in this world – you will have troubles” but I love the beauty of the church and Christian community that we can come along side and pick or lift one another up!

One book I’ve heard great things about (I haven’t read it so I don’t have a first hand recommendation) is called:
Empty Womb, Aching Heart: Hope and Help for Those Struggling with Infertility by Marlo Schalesky

Maybe some reader has read it and can share insights!? I look forward to your responses

Ever Feel Worthless?

Originally posted on May 2, 2011

It seems like a really negative title…I know. But…it’s something I struggle with and the more I reach out to others through ministry, the more I’ve realized that if I struggle with it — then others do to.

There is no one harder on myself than me. It’s a daily struggle and I often catch myself telling myself that I’m stupid or dumb…or letting myself believe that I’m inadequate, a bad cook, a terrible housekeeper…the list goes on. This in itself is an issue and one I need to continue to address…because unhealthy self talk can cloud our ability to see ourselves as God sees us. But there was a time in my life when this struggle was MUCH bigger.

I teetered on the brink of taking my own life…not wanting to live any longer. Feeling as though the pain was simply too much to bare and that everything had been ruined, I had been ruined, there was too much shame and pain in living. I truly felt worthless. Rejected, unloved, unwanted, damaged, ashamed, and like a failure. For many months I would not leave my house. I didn’t want anyone to see me, I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I was certain they would deem me “worthless” too. Even as I type this it sounds ridiculous but it was my reality. I don’t know every single one of you’s struggles or pains but I know what it’s like to feel worthless. No matter the cause however…this is STILL a lie of the enemy.

EVEN if it’s your choices, your sin, your crime, your addiction that has caused you to see yourself this way — it sill isn’t how God sees us. The enemy is active at the first sign of this struggle and works diligently to fester, nurture, and grow our self-loathing etc. (I know this is getting a little heavy for a Monday)

I heard an analogy on the radio last week and I wanted to share it. EVEN if you’ve heard it before…it’s still a good image and reminder to keep with us.

Think about $100 bill. For some, $100 may not seem like much but for most of us — that’s a sizable amount! Now…what if that $100 was blowing around in a field or laying in a street gutter. Had been walked on, run over, was wrinkled, tattered, even torn perhaps. Let’s say it’s been through the wash machine a few times…had scribbles or things written on it, dog eared corners…you get the point. Is that $100 bill worth any less to us? Would we see it as worthless and leave it!? NO…we would pick it up because there are countless things we could do with $100! An no matter what it’s condition it’s still $100…it doesn’t count as only $50 because it has wrinkles or a tear.

This is a much better picture of how God sees us. He doesn’t count every wrinkle and imperfection and deduct from our worth — we are all PRICELESS to him. So priceless that while we were YET SINNERS he sent his son to die for us! Not one of us can say we’re “worthy” of the gift…but he can say that we’re all WORTH IT.

Each time you see ANY dollar bill no matter how much it’s worth — I hope you’ll notice the imperfections and remind yourself that it’s worth every bit as much no matter what — and that God longs to restore you and fill your thoughts with things of HIM not of the lies the enemy tells us.

Running The Race - To Win!

Originally Posted On April 27, 2011

As I was preparing this post I noticed another friend on facebook had shared this link as well. It’s so inspiring to me…

I don’t feel like I need to add much to it — but definitely watch it. Oh how it makes me think of the race that we’re running here on earth…this life…running towards our ultimate goal and prize — eternity in Heaven with our savior.

Hebrews 12:1 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. 2 We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith.

This verse mentions stripping off the sin that trips us up. Certainly that can be our own sin…which there is plenty of. But in this world — it too can be the sin of others…betrayal, abuse, painful/hurtful words, rape, and so much more. Anyway — I could type and type but the video says it all. Watch and enjoy as this runner, trips, falls, and rises again to not only finish the race…but WIN!

That’s how I want to run this race on earth!!!
http://www.godvine.com/Christian-Athlete-Takes-a-Fall-But-Still-Wins-the-Race-378.html

Do You Have Room to Receive His Gift?

Originally posted on April 22, 2011

As we near Easter Sunday and the celebration of Christ’s victory over the grave… I encourage you this Easter weekend to let go and make room. What I mean is… it’s too easy to be wrapped up in whatever your dealing with or facing right now and miss the awesomeness of Easter! The peace and the joy I have from knowing that this life and this world is not my home and the way I’m absolutely overwhelmed when I think of His love and His sacrifice for me! So I’m challenging you to drop the burdens, the hurt, the struggles, the worries, the anger, the unforgiveness, the shame etc… whatever you’re struggling with. When you do this — your arms will be empty and open with room to receive this ULTIMATE and precious gift! More importantly, not only will your arms be opened but your hear will be open as well.

Ten years ago — I remember sitting through Easter and thinking to myself, “If He can raise from the dead, why couldn’t He have stopped this, why did He let my husband leave me?” I was so wrapped up in me I wasn’t even able to fully appreciate the awesomeness of what He DID for me!

Today is Good Friday and of course I know there is celebration to come and I already know the happy ending but still…my stomach is upset when I imagine the torture and the pain HE endured on my behalf! In fact, sometimes I wonder how I have the nerve to ask anything more of Him who has already done immeasurably more than I deserve.  Anyway — today I challenge you to send your burdens to the grave with Him. There is no need to carry that heavy load any longer. 

I have a mental image to share, it’s been on my mind lately…It’s one of me walking all alone dragging my heavy bag of “stuff” behind me. The longer I walk and drag, the more holes form in the bag and the more “stuff” falls out. I stop and pick it up, put it all back in one of the holes and go again. Until finally…there is no way to carry the bag but to wad it all up in my arms and carry it like a load of laundry for the holes are too many. Of course after a while my arms are burning, my back is sore, I’m crying and frustrated but I walk on, with my arms full passing right by Jesus with His arms open, offering and longing to take my load from me. I’m so busy being focused on all that I’m stuck with and all that I’m struggling with that I don’t even notice what’s there all along.

God sent us an answer, he gave us his Son, someone to carry our load and save us from ourselves…yet too often we can’t see past or outside of ourselves and our “stuff” to accept His loving gift.

Let your burdens and your worries be crucified and buried this weekend. And know without a doubt that the God who raised Jesus from the dead can see you through anything your facing. There is nothing too great for him. Receive the gift with arms wide open and be freed this Easter weekend.

* The ending to my little vision makes me chuckle a bit…I can imagine the Soldiers waking and noticing seal of the tomb has been broken and full of fear they creep into the tomb to find not Jesus…but the burial clothes laying on the ground…along with my nasty holey bag of “stuff”!

I’ll leave you with the lyrics to “Worthy Is The Lamb” . No matter how many times I hear it — it makes my eyes fill with tears…
Thank you for the cross Lord
Thank you for the price you paid
Bearing all my sin and shame
In Love you came, and gave amazing grace

Thank you for this love Lord
Thank you for the nail pierced hands
Wash me in your cleansing flow
Now all I know, your forgiveness and embrace

Worth is the lamb, seated on the throne
We crown you now with many crowns, you reign victorious
High and lifted up, Jesus son of God
The darling of heaven crucified… worth is the lamb!

A video combining this song with clips from The Passion of the Christ movie…

WARNING: These images are graphic.

Blessings this Easter!
~Lenay

http://www.facebook.com/beautifullybrokenphillipians1.6