14 Day Love Your Husband Challenge - Day12

I chatted with my hubby tonight and got his input on a good challenge for Day 12. ;)
His response was a great one but the tricky part for me is that it doesn't have an easy or obvious action step.  There's not a simple directive I can give you to try.

BUT - just so you know that I practice what I preach and that I truly buy in to what I'm sharing on this blog...remember day #8's challenge to ask for your husband's opinion and then take his advice?  Well here goes!

His input was...SUPPORT your husband.  My husband said, "Know that we're going to fail sometimes and mess up sometimes but we need your support".  I might add that husbands need our support differently than a 3 or 4 yr. old.  We have to be able to support them without babying them or making them feel like a child.

Our husbands are human and they're going to make mistakes.  It's a LOT of responsibility they have: Being a provider, the spiritual leader, a best friend/confidant/companion, a lover who pursues and courts his wife, a dad, and much more.  In our homes and in our marriages we need to offer our husbands a safe place to stumble and know that they still have our support and that we aren't going anywhere.  Our support does NOT mean that they need us to "fix" things for them.

Most of the time this support is as simple as listening to them.  We can be supportive by celebrating our husbands achievements, even the little ones!  We can also be supportive by not being critical, annoyed, irritated etc. when they do make a mistake.  An obvious and CRITICAL way to support our husbands is by praying for them!  Respect and support are VERY similar in that we need to trust our husbands to make the difficult decisions and then stick by them whatever that decision is (even when we don't like it).  Another big one is not to undermine him and go against his instructions and wishes when it comes to the children.  The best way to support our husbands is to remember our role as his "helpmate".

I'd love to hear your thoughts and suggestions on today's challenge to support your husband.  What are some ways you do it?

14 Day Love Your Husband Challenge - Day 11

Day 11...well how long was I going to go without bringing this one up...
Did you think you'd get through all 14 days without this being addressed?...you were wrong ;)

I'm going to cut right to the chase, but I hope you won't quit reading just because you know the answer...

Day 11 Challenge = Make physical intimacy with him a priority.

*sigh*  Why is this one so tricky?  Why is something that is such a priceless gift God gave us in marriage so easy to take for granted, put aside, and overlook?  Why is it that we long for that intimacy before marriage but after, it becomes such a chore at times?  Well, it's jobs, kids, lack of time, lack of sleep, lack of privacy, changes in hormones, distractions and so forth and so on...but the biggest reason of all is simply a change in our priorities.  Really that's what it boils down to...in most cases (I realize there are medical situations and other things that factor into some relationships).

Wanna know why God spoke directly to us about this topic in His word?  Because He knew we'd struggle...and that our own selfish needs, desires, and prerequisites would be an issue. He knew we'd get our priorities all out of whack! :)

1 Corinthians 7:2-5 But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband.  For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

I think a common misconception and misunderstanding among wives is a lie we believe from the love scenes in books, TV, and movies.  Rarely do we see "real life" - we see fiction - 2 people "in the mood" at the same time, no sick kids that kept you up the night before, no bedtime battles with children, no late night work projects with early morning meeting deadlines, etc.  We think it should be that effortless and convenient every time with lots of passion etc...but that's not real life!  Yes sexual intimacy is a gift, but it's also a sacrifice sometimes.  Its a gift we give to the other regardless of how tired we are and whether we "feel like it" or not.  Obviously there times when each spouse needs to be respectful of the other and there are times when we truly need to "take a rain check" but we shouldn't let this be the norm and we certainly shouldn't let the "rain checks" pile up.

Side Note: There may be things husbands could work on and areas where their efforts would pay off, things they could improve on...but some husband somewhere needs to write that blog post.  I'm speaking to wives and what we can do on our end.

A couple important points I want to make regarding today's topic and challenge:

1. Second to loving God with all our heart, soul, and mind...loving our husband should be next. Knowing that our husbands have a deep need for physical intimacy...it's safe to assume that meeting that need and enjoying the gift of intimacy in our marriage is one of the most holy things we can do as a wife.
   
2. Women like to have the emotional connection first, our heart needs to be in it and feel close to our husband before we're interested in sex but men are the opposite.  They get an emotional connection AFTER sex.  Because men are created with a craving or desire for this physical act that is generally much greater than our needs as a wife...it's safe to assume the times we get that emotional connection beforehand will be less, and the times that we give our bodies to our husbands out of selflessness, obedience etc. will be more...and that's O.K.! You know why?  Because...we can actually get that emotional connection AFTER as well, just like our husbands do!  

The point is - whether you're "in the mood" or whether you "feel like it" or not...isn't important.  It's nice when it happens, but it's not a prerequisite.  Not depriving one another is the point, and by NOT depriving one another - BOTH of you still benefit from a tighter bond and emotional closeness.  On top of that - you're honoring God with your bodies.

I probably need another blog post entirely to discuss how this helps our husbands in almost every area of their life.  When a husband is sexually satisfied, it helps him sleep better, focus at work better, have a better, more positive mood, and stand firm against daily temptations and distractions.

So wives, put it on the calendar, schedule it in your day, reward yourself with some kind of incentive to uphold the schedule...I don't care how you do it, but make making love to your husband a priority...that's the challenge!

14 Day Love Your Husband Challenge - Day 10

Have you ever heard a bunch of ladies together complaining about their husbands?  Have you ever been one of them?  I know husbands and wives are totally different and sometimes it's nice to talk with a fellow female who understands the struggle.  It's nice to know that it isn't just YOU, and there isn't something terribly wrong with you...it really IS a male/female thing.  I think it's possible to discuss common frustrations without making your husband sound bad.  That's not really what I'm getting at here...

I'm talking about those women who just seem to be miserable 24/7.  There are ladies who would have others around them think their husband is completely incompetent and incapable of doing anything right.  Sadly, it's really EASY to jump in and swim around in the negativity pool.  What is it about putting someone else down - even when it's someone we supposedly love very much - that makes us feel better about ourselves?

Once a person gets comfortable talking negatively about their husband when he's not around, it soon becomes easy to put him down in front of people too!  This has some close ties to yesterday's challenge about respect.  This is the ultimate in disrespecting a man...putting him down in public.

Today's challenge isn't simply to NOT do that...to NOT publicly criticize your husband...but rather, I'm going to challenge you to praise/compliment your husband in public!  It doesn't have to be overly dramatic, or mushy...but simply mentioning something he's great at does a lot to affirm him!

Mark Twain said, "I can live for two months on a good compliment".  If that is true for most men, then guess what it does when that compliment comes from a man's "other half"...the one he gives the most to, sacrifices the most for, and the person he gave his last name to - that's powerful!

So take the challenge, and make your husband feel loved by learning the power of publicly praising your husband!

14 Day Love Your Husband Challenge - Day 9

If you haven't gone through the Love & Respect series by Dr. Emerson Eggerich...you're missing out! This was a huge game changer for our marriage.  But if you HAVE completed that couples study, then you know full well that men hear "I love you" through the way we respect them.

That word, R-E-S-P-E-C-T makes or breaks them.  If a husband feels respected it's a boost of encouragement like nothing else, but without it...the lack of respect can literally destroy a man.

Research has indicated that husbands would rather feel unloved than unrespected...that's what gets them at their very core.  Think about the things you respect about your husband.  For example my husband is a man of amazing integrity and he's an incredibly hard worker.  He's also very generous. There's 3 things I was able to come up with very quickly...often these kinds of things are what might come to mind first if you were describing your husband to someone who had never met him.  If someone said, "tell me about your husband, what kind of guy is he?",,,what comes to mind?  Those are probably things you respect about him

Our brains aren't wired to be very sensitive to respect, and so while it exists in there somewhere, it isn't natural for us to communicate it...yet our husbands crave it.  The way gas fuels a vehicle, respect fuels your husband.  Your challenge for day #9 is to communicate that to him.  You could just say it out loud but there's a chance you'll forget.  I'm not discouraging speaking directly to him and sharing how much you respect him but I'm going to challenge you one step further.  Your challenge is to write it down, make a little "love note" for him that's actually a list of at least 3 things you respect about him.  Leave it somewhere he'll find it: tape it to the steering wheel of his vehicle, or swing by his work and leave it on his keyboard, maybe you can set it on the bathroom sink where he'll see it when he gets home.

Speak love to him in the language his heart most longs to hear.

Ephesians 5:33  However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

14 Day Love Your Husband Challenge - Day 8

Do you ever ask your husband's opinion on something...?
If you don't, then let's start there. :)  You probably don't need or want his opinion on EVERYTHING...nor does he want to have to think about and give you an opinion on EVERYTHING...but most husbands would appreciate being consulted from time to time.  They like to know their opinion and thoughts matter to their wives.

Here's where I screw up.  I often ask his opinion on things...it's part of my vetting ideas process.  I'm always curious what he thinks, and I appreciate him giving me his thoughts.  But as I continue working through all angles of a situation or as I change my mind about how I want to fix my hair, thus changing the factors weighing in on what outfit I'll wear, I often - or as my husband would say ALWAYS - do the opposite! LOL   "Always" is an exaggeration, but what is true, is that I often enjoy picking his brain, getting his input, but then end up going a different direction.  

Seemed harmless to me really, but I had no idea how it was affecting him.  It makes our husbands feel like they don't matter and very disrespected when their advice or suggestions fall on deaf ears.  I had no idea that's what I was communicating to my husband! Ouch! :(  He explained to me that when I ask him to think or spend time analyzing/evaluating something he probably doesn't care that much about - but he stops and makes an effort because he loves me - only to have me go off and do the opposite or something different...it's like a slap in the face to him.

So today's challenge, day #8, is to involve your husband when appropriate, get his input...but if you care enough to ask, and he cares enough to respond - take his advice!  If he picks the pink dress over the grey one, and you later realize it doesn't match your new jewelry or your fingernails as much as you had hoped...who cares!?  Most people won't notice or care about either one...but your husband cares!  If he picked the pink one and you walk out in something else - he automatically feels like he doesn't matter.  Booo...that stinks.  So - take the clash of the nails, the jewelry, or both...because at the end of the day - HE matters more. :)

Today's challenge is that simple: Ask his advice - and then take it.

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14 Day Love Your Husband Challenge - Day 7

Yay for halfway!...7 pretty painless days down, and 7 to go. If you're reading along with me each day, then you know that these challenges aren't rocket science, but they ARE little reminders of what we must take back. Little things that the stresses and demands of life squelch, leaving us feeling empty and worse yet, leaving our spouse feeling empty. The reality is...these challenges don't just benefit him. If you'll follow through with these things, his response will benefit you! It's a Win Win!

I mentioned yesterday that today's post would tie closely to it. Go back and read yesterday's if you haven't already...it's short...but today we're building on that. Hopefully you know some of your husbands favorite things about you, and if not...then ask him! Find out! But in most cases - we KNOW some things that they really like about us. Pay attention to the things your husband does compliment...does he like your eyes, does he like your hair a certain way, does he have a favorite dress you wear, does he love how your legs look in heels, or is their a certain perfume you know draws him in? Do those things and wear those things for him! In my case, my husband prefers my hair long and straightened, he's not a fan of too much make up and he loves my blue eyes (hates when I wear glasses that hide them). So then...the obvious approach here is...to wear my hair straightened for him and make sure I have my contacts in! It's that simple - but too often - we simply go with what we "feel" like for the night, or what's easiest.

I know, I know...there are nights when there just isn't time to get your hair blow dryed and the kids ready...I get it. I'm not suggesting that this is how you have to style yourself every single day...but be MINDFUL of what he loves...be AWARE of what catches his eye and makes him take notice...and don't make him go so long without it. It's pretty simple really. If you know what he finds attractive and beautiful, then cater to that as often as possible, and then, looping back to yesterday's challenge...when he tells you how much he loves it, Thank Him without protest! :)

14 Day Love Your Husband Challenge - Day 6

Why is it the simplest things can be so difficult?  Trust me, these challenges are coming from some very real struggles and from a very imperfect wife who continues to pursue God first and her husband next and is slowly learning how to better be the spouse her husband needs.

Today's challenge is going to tie closely with tomorrow's and it simply is...
Let him love you!  Let him find you attractive and quit trying to change his mind.  Today's challenge is not about what you need to do, but rather about what NOT to do.

When my husband says, "You're sexy" or "You're beautiful" what do I do?  I argue with him!!! I say things like, "No I'm not" or "Not anymore I'm not".  What? *smh* Why?  How is it that I want my husband to find me beautiful, I want him to be attracted to me and I NEED to hear that...yet when I do hear it, I try to override it with my own doubt and insecurity?

If you catch yourself doing that, you're not alone, but stop it!  Your challenge is to quit turning his compliment into an argument.  Quit discounting how he feels about you.  Use it as a perfect opportunity to respond back and give him a similar compliment.

The second half of today's challenge is...if your hubby doesn't tell you this enough, if you need to hear it more than you are...TELL Him!  Our husbands hate the guessing game, it exhausts them.  Most of them desperately want to do what makes us happy and if we share simple pointed suggestions they REALLY appreciate it!

So if he pays you a compliment - take it - give him the opportunity to pay you a compliment without discounting it, and if he's not paying you enough and you're desperately needing more reassurance...then let him know.  Say, "Honey, I've realized that when you tell me you love me or that you think I'm the prettiest girl in the world that it makes my day.  And when you forget to tell me, I get really down on myself and seem to struggle more.  Can you try to remind me of this at least once a week?"  (you can insert your own time frame).