The Time I Realized That My Husband Didn't Believe That I Loved Him...

And that time...was last night.  Wives I hope you'll stop making the same mistake I have.

Earlier in the day we had counseled and spoke with a friend over lunch enduring a separation and possibly a divorce, and tried to offer our support.  Having both been through something similar, my husband and I can relate and so we shared some wisdom from our own experiences...which is of no comfort to the one suffering...but it's all we can do really.  Be there, listen, nod, and occasionally offer up some examples of what TO do during this very painful time, and...from me...a lot of what NOT to do. :)

Talking through those details with our friend, brought back a lot of pain, memories that I've managed to block-out and flashbacks that sometimes feel like a lifetime ago, sometimes feel like yesterday, and other times...feel like someone else's life entirely!  Perhaps that contributed to me feeling extra sensitive or emotional yesterday...and also very reflective.

As we drove home after lunch I was sharing that God's been putting some kind of ministry or outreach for college students on my heart.  I was telling him about how we aren't perfect of course, and we don't have it ALL figured out, but that I felt our Godly marriage could serve as an example to them...many who are at an age where they may be searching for, or dating their future spouse.  "I doubt we've ever been accused of being "cool", but we might be cool enough to form some good relationships and share some wisdom with college aged kids", I said.  

What his ears heard was me committing us to one MORE obligation which will inevitably add to me being stressed out and spread thin this fall while I'm coaching volleyball, he's coaching football, and we're both gone on the weekends to games...which means...I'll feel unprepared and be tense and short with him Sunday mornings while I try to go over the material last minute and then cry when I ask him to take on some of it and he says "no" (which is a word firmly secured in his vocabulary, but not mine).  He didn't say any of that...but I know him, and I'm guessing something similar to this did go through his brain! :)

Anyway, as I listed off reasons why we would make a good team and what I pictured for this college connect group what I failed to do, was keep it simple and talk about the motivation at its very CORE...and that is...how much I love him!  Why do I feel so passionate about starting a college connect group?  Well, 1.) because God's been putting it on my heart, but the reason I haven't ignored the nudging as I so conveniently do in other situations where God is nudging me is because 2.) I love my husband!

In a society where we have a lot of "boys" but a tragic shortage of "men", I know how fortunate I am! I married a MAN, and at that...a man of God!  He's patient and consistent; he's a smart but simple man; he's big and strong...yet humble; he's a man of his word and he's a man of God's word; he works hard to provide plenty yet is happy with little and is ever-teaching me how to live more practically, how to prioritize, how to be content with only what we need and not be attached to "things" that we don't; he's generous and selfless; he'd rather be home with me than be out at a bar with friends; and most of all...he's faithful.  In a culture rampant with affairs and pornography addictions, and my past that involved a serial adulterer...I can't tell you how precious this is to me.

So, I could have said any of those things...I could have explained that it's because I admire him so much, and I want to be by his side, and I think boys need more real MEN to be leaders and to mentor...but I didn't.  Instead the conversation fizzled out by agreeing to pray about it and on with our day we went.  

In the evening we had a BBQ with our bible study group and we were surrounded by couples.  Social events like this always make me uncomfortable...my anxiety struggles are very real...even when it's a group of people I know and love.  So my default is to cling close to him...like a toddler around its moms legs (not kidding)...and smile to disguise tightness in my chest and the ridiculous urge to run sit in the car.  It's also at events like this...when wives might look across the way at "so and so" whom appears to have a most blissful marriage...and think "I wish my husband were more like her's."  Wives, you know it's true...and maybe you are even guilty of it at times yourself.  Whether it's a BBQ with your bible study, or co-workers, or neighbors...whatever it is...in our world of constant comparison and dependency on social media (which allows people to show you ONLY that which they want you to see)...it's an easy trap to fall in!  But last night...as I settled into some level of comfort and chatted with many, I consistently looked across the way at him, always within ear shot, and listened to him laugh and joke with the other husbands in our group while thinking about how much I love him.

Upon returning home, while we watched the news, I lowered the lid to my laptop and peered over to him to say, "Honey, I just want to thank you for being such a good husband and taking such good care of me", to which he got a weird look on his face, tilted his head and stared at me.  I said, "Why are you looking at me like that?"  He said, "I assume you're about to drop a bomb or tell me that you did something you shouldn't have".  

Fast forward 30 minutes as we were crawling into bed and once again I felt compelled to thank him for working so hard and for loving me so much etc.  He rolled over, looked at me suspiciously and said, "Why are you being so nice to me?"  I said, "uhhhh because I love you?"  His reply was "yeah but not really..." and I quickly said, "Yes I do! You know that, I tell you all the time!" to which he said, "No you don't, not like this..." 

OUCH...my instinct was to argue about whether I do or do not tell him all the time but as he slept I realized...he was right!  I don't tell him all the time, I THINK it silently to myself all the time. I tell OTHER people how lucky I am.  I swell up with happiness and joy when others ask about him when he's not with me.  I get warm fuzzies when I hear from someone what a great guy he is, or what an incredible football coach or landscaper he is.  And my heart breaks for other wives and women who have husbands that care more about sports bars, beers, cleavage, golf, hunting, or whatever else they do to keep from having to spend time at home with their wife...but he can't HEAR my thoughts! 

(side note: I'm not implying that husbands who have hobbies are bad! I'm referring to those situations with a lack of balance where the hobby has become far more important than the wife).

My husband knows me very well, but he doesn't know my heart when I don't share it (nor does your husband know your heart when you don't share it).  He knows I love him in the obligatory wife kind of way but he FORGETS all the things I love about him when I don't tell him.  Worse yet...wives themselves often forget when they don't verbalize and stay mindful of all the great things about their husbands.  If you're critical like I am, it's much easier to spot the mud on the floor off the bottom of his boots than it is to recognize how much his feet hurt after an exhausting day at work.

So...what I realized last night is that I have to continually get better at telling him I love him in a genuine, sincere way...and I have to tell him WHY.  Also, I have to do it often enough that he believes me!  It shouldn't cause my husband to be suspicious or leery of me from complimenting and building him up like I was last night! Love changes and evolves over time.  As you "grow old" with someone - it's true that some of the things you first fell in love with in a person may be the same things you love about them later in life - but it's also true that you may find new and powerful reasons you love your spouse as you go through life's chapters and challenges with that man.

So wives...don't make my mistake.  Commit along with me to building your husband up, focusing on the things he does well and what you admire about him, and then TELL him...often...out loud...so he knows...or more importantly, so his heart believes. 

Song of Solomon 3:4   I have found the one whom my soul loves.

~ Lenay

Motherhood - A Work of Art

Ya know...this ministry/blog is all based on the verse Phillipians 1:6 "He who began a good work in you, will be faithful to complete it."

So this poem has the same general premise.  We are all beautiful works of art no matter where we are in life.  There is something in this poem that will touch nearly every woman.

Please enjoy, and then share!

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Motherhood – A Work of Art
Lenay Marteney (©2015)   www.beautifullybrokensite.blogspot.com

To the mom with little children, you are their whole world.  You have a big job, often thankless, but never dull! Enjoy these early years for way too soon they’re gone.  And pray that God would grant you strength when nights are short and days are long.  There are diapers, and tantrums…skinned knees and elbows…but keep raising those babies up in the way that they should go.

To the mom with teenagers, hold steady, for this too shall pass.  They’ll be gone to college, then with kids of their own – it happens just that fast.  Be an example of one who loves the Lord, and show them what it means to seek and trust in God’s word.  Inspire them to be the change in the world they want to see, and challenge them to pursue all that God has called them to be.

To the mom who has a child with extra challenges and special needs; God picked you out on purpose, he must have known your strength.   You know the strain of motherhood in a completely different way, but would you give it up or change it, even for one day?  A mother’s heart loves just one way…it only loves completely, it aches and triumphs just the same, no matter the disability.

To the mom who’s lost a child, with you we ache and grieve.  There are days when you must feel, the pain will never leave.  And in fact it might not, yet you strive to press on, for simply having is a blessing, no matter for how long.  Knowing your child is in a heavenly place, is a reminder to all, of God’s goodness and grace.

To the woman who longs to, yet has not conceived…you are not defined by infertility.  Despite months of trying, perhaps years of feeling empty, do not think that a mom you can never be. Bearing a child of your own is not the only way, you can love, nurture, and guide those in your midst every day.  God is in control though you may not understand, trust in Him, He knows your heart and He holds the master plan.

To the mom who’s older now, with kids who are all grown, perhaps they’re very busy, being parents to their own.   So much wisdom and advice about parenting you could share, but you know most of all, your kids still need your prayer.  Though it changes over time, a mother’s job is never done, to teach and mold and point the way to Christ, the Saving One.

To women of all ages, with children or without, how many, if any, or what age, is not what Mother’s Day’s about.  God created each and every one of us unique, all beautiful, all gifted, with different weaknesses and strengths.  Motherhood’s more than physical, it’s an attitude of the heart, to bloom where e’er God plants you, you are His work of art.

Dear Moms (And Those Who Long to Be): An Important Mother's Day Message

Dear moms, have your kids become your idol?

If you're like me, then you're quick to imagine little figurines and Hindu people bowing down to them in worship when you think of the word "idol".  But God clearly addresses us in the ten commandments when with the FIRST one He said, Thou shalt have no other God's before me.  Clearly, idolatry affects Christians then, and is it safe to assume is our biggest downfall if He listed it first!?

An idol is defined as "extreme admiration, love, or reverence for someone or something".
An idol is anything that consumes our thoughts and our energy.
An idol is anything you delight in...more than The Lord.  Whoah!

I assure you this isn't a "pick on mom's" post - I know mom's need encouragement as much as anyone!  My guess is that we all have multiple idols in our life...in fact it's not "if" we have idols, but rather what are our idols?

What about those of you who have tried and longed for months...or even years...to get pregnant and become a mom?  Has that desire completely consumed you?  Do you spend more time and energy thinking about bearing a child than you do reveling in the fact that You are a child of God!?

Our society struggles quite obviously with idols of money, homes, cars, beauty, clothes/fashion, sports, and more.  But there are some idols that are unique to motherhood.  In her post "Idols of a Mothers Heart", Christina Fox identifies these as:

[Affirmation: This can include being affirmed by friends, family, even strangers, that your children are “so well behaved” or “so talented.” Pride then bubbles up in our heart. And when we don’t get those kinds of responses, or receive the opposite, we are discouraged and frustrated. 

Children: Children in and of themselves can become idols. It can start with even the desire to have children. It can become an all-consuming longing, becoming more important in our life than God. Once we have children, they can become idols when we live for them and always try to make them happy. We can seek to find our fulfillment in and through them. 

Success: We want our children to be successful because it is a reflection on us. We may press them endlessly to excel. If our children have limitations in some way, this may shatter our dreams as well. 

Control: Being in control of all the details of life is a big idol for many moms. We spend our days trying to orchestrate every detail of our life and our children’s life. But because nothing is actually in our control, we become anxious, worried, and agitated when things don’t go as planned.]

The phrase "anything we delight in more than The Lord" probably makes it clear for most of us, but if you're still wondering if this is an area you struggle with...here are a few other warning signs...that your kids may be your idol:

1. Do you focus on their happiness first...and their character second?
2. Do you find yourself constantly buying them toys, games, electronics etc. to keep them busy/occupied?
3. Do you consistently forfeit time with your spouse in favor of time with your kids?
4. Is every vacation you plan centered around the kids?  Have you taken a single vacation recently that was for you adults?
5. Do you find yourself utterly exhausted with a schedule filled to the brim of every single activity they could possibly be involved in to ensure they're exposed to as many opportunities as possible?
6. Do you consistently allow them to interrupt your conversations with others, including your spouse?
   (credit: Laura Kuehn, Cornerstone For Parents)

As Mother's Day draws near, know that there are few responsibilities on this earth as important as that of being a mom.  There is perhaps no greater call on one's life...no greater mission than being a parent and raising up children who love and seek after Christ.  But it's easy to forget the appropriate balance and prioritization.  The Bible makes it clear that God should always be #1 in our life, then our spouse #2, and finally our children.  While it is important to make sure your children know how much you love them...it is MORE important that they know how much you love The Lord.

This Mother's Day I hope you are loved and celebrated.  I hope you are doted on and appreciated.  I hope discouragement about the struggles of motherhood are far from your heart, but I also pray that God will open the eyes of your heart if your children have become your idol.

I'll leave you with this a quote I found to be a powerful idol assessment tool.  From Tim Keller and his book, "Reason For God":

If you center your life and identity on your spouse or partner, you will be emotionally dependent, jealous, and controlling. 

If you center your life and identity on your family and children, you will try to live your life through your children until they resent you or have no self of their own. 

If you center your life and identity on your work and career, you will be a driven workaholic and a boring, shallow person. 

If you center your life and identity on money and possessions, you’ll be eaten up by worry or jealousy about money. 

If you center your life and identity on pleasure, gratification, and comfort, you will find yourself getting addicted to something.

 If you center your life and identity on relationships and approval, you will be constantly overly hurt by criticism and thus always losing friends. 

If you center your life and identity on a “noble cause,” you will divide the world into “good” and “bad” and demonize your opponents. 

If you center your life and identity on religion and morality, you will, if you are living up to your moral standards, be proud, self-righteous, and cruel. If you don’t live up to your moral standards, your guilt will be utterly devastating.

Happy Mother's Day!
~Lenay

Trying to Lose Weight?

As a fitness instructor I'm surrounded by people trying to lose weight.  I see the same posts the rest of you do on the greatest shakes, pills, diets etc that work and help you lose lots of weight fast.  Let me quickly come out and say that I'm not bad-mouthing ANY of them!  They obviously work for some and help people or there wouldn't be folks using them, buying them, or sharing their success story.

But what works for one person may not always work for another...
Personally, I wish we'd stop labeling our success with a number on the scale or inches we've lost, or size of clothes we want to wear (although weight and inches are an important part of tracking progress).  I see people daily that are in the gym or messaging me obsessing over reaching that next goal.  I watch people constantly take what is healthy and turn it into unhealthy by letting it consume them, by letting it become their #1 priority etc.  I know this reality all too well...because it used to be me!  There were times when I'd work out 3 times a day!  I was obsessed with losing the next percentage of body fat, or running the next longer marathon distance etc. and it was always just "5 more pounds, then I'll be happy"...

But that was the old me...the new me strives to live and encourages others to live a life of "balance". That's my big secret...balance.  I try to make wise choices and eat unprocessed food *most* of the time.  I enjoy the things I enjoy (like donuts, and Taco Johns) *some* of the time and I pay attention to the quantity/portions *ALL* of the time.  I still overdo it occasionally, but I'm quick to make a note and NOT overdo it several meals, or several days in a row.  I try to drink lots of water, but I also enjoy an ice cold Coke occasionally.  I stay active and work out regularly with a well-rounded approach.  6 knee surgeries in...I can no longer focus my efforts on marathons which has freed me up considerably to try new things.  I enjoy a variety of cardio, strength training, and pilates and I've given myself permission to just enjoy them and work hard at all of them.  I no longer have to be the BEST at every one of them. :)  They may not all be my FAVORITE, but they all accomplish the goal which is to be active and get my heart rate up.  

My focus now is on being healthy.  I'm aware of what I put in my body, I'm aware it's 10 lbs bigger than I wish it was, but I know that I take care of myself, that I'm strong, that I'm fit, that I strive to fix healthy well-balanced meals, that I'm prone to emotional eating so I keep myself in check...and that's enough for me.

Now that I at least kind of touched on what you thought I was going to touch on...
Let's talk about what I really wanted to share today. :)  Let's talk about the weight loss that DOES work...for EVERYONE! :)  Here's your real tried and true ticket to quick weight loss.

If you need to lose weight fast, try casting all your cares upon Him.  How 'bout ditching some of your burdens etc. at the foot of the cross!  We need to get real about all the things we try to control and "fix"...we aren't God...yet we continue to try to be Lord of our own lives! For as many people as I see obsessing over weight loss or dying to be thin...I see that many and more struggling daily with baggage, anxiety and worries unnecessarily!  My husband (bless his soul) likes to be extra helpful to me in this area, anytime I start a sentence with "I'm worried that...", or "The one thing I worry about is..." - he will typically interrupt me and say something like "Well, keep worrying, and let me know if it helps.", or "I was going to suggest you pray about it, but it sounds like you're going to tackle it by worrying.", or "Keep worrying, that should do the trick!".  He speaks fluent sarcasm, and it drives me bonkers sometimes, but after I'm done being annoyed...I'm thankful that he offers the reminder I need ALL TOO OFTEN!

I can talk about this for another 5 minutes with my own words, or I could just refer to God's word on this matter!  Let's take a look at what the Bible has to say...

Matthew 6:27:  And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his life?

1 Peter 5:7: Cast all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.

Matthew 11:28: Come to me all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

Isaiah 41:10: Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Peter 5:6-7: And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:7: And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Romans 8:28: And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

James 1:12: Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.

John 14:27: Peace I leave with you, my peace I give to you.  Not as the world gives do I give to you.  Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.

There are more verses...believe me, there are more.  I'd encourage you to put some of these verses where you most often need the reminder.  If you clench the steering wheel while your mind races during your daily commute - then put a reminder in your car.  If you stand in front of your bathroom mirror and focus on flaws, things you can't change, and all the challenges you'll face that day - then put a reminder there.  If you need something at your desk at work to keep you from biting your lip and worrying about your kids or your finances throughout the day - then that's where you need one of these verses!

All too often we forget that what's "ours" isn't really ours at all!  Our spouse is a gift meant to teach us more about holiness, our children are God's children first, entrusted to us only for a time, our money isn't ours and if we abide by God's word in how we spend it, He'll be faithful to ensure our every need is met.  If we worried HALF as much about those in our midst who don't know Christ, as we do about our own personal gains, struggles, hiccups,and desires...about temporary things on this side of heaven that don't really matter that much...my how different things would be!

So back to that pesky quest for weight loss...focus on living healthy, strive for balance, and realize that ANY amount of worry is unhealthy.  Whether cutting carbs works for you in weight loss or not...I promise cutting out the worry and leaving THAT at the cross works every time!

~Lenay


*To hear more about my struggle with eating, exercise, weight loss, and dealing with anxiety you can schedule me for an upcoming women's conference/retreat.

14 Day Love Your Husband Challenge - Day 14

Ahhh...here we are at day 14!  I hope you've enjoyed intentionally focusing on ways to love your husband.  While I didn't share anything new, we all need reminders from time to time...a little infusion of accountability if you will!

Today's challenge may put some mom's in an uproar but here goes...
Day #14 Challenge = Keep your husband #1, and your children #2.

Now...before I get carried away here, let me actually clarify.  In truth, God needs to be #1...always.  A dear friend and I got to have breakfast recently and we were talking about priorities and expectations and how to keep them balanced...and realistic!  She was reading a book at the time (and I WISH I could remember the name to share here) that was helping her sort through priorities etc.  In life, God is #1, then family, then others.  And within that familial hierarchy it should go husband (#1), kids (#2), then extended family (#3).  So for the sake of today's post and challenge, let's say we're already under the main umbrella of family (which is overall life priority #2) and within that realm, we're focused on husband as #1 and kids as #2.

I see it happen all the time to friends and those around me.  A woman becomes a mom and her whole world changes...she becomes consumed with this new precious miracle and for the first few months...it's all she can do to grab sleep here and there, remember when the last diaper change occurred, and occasionally she might event get a shower (YAY!).  That's understandable...there is an adjustment period with a new baby in the home - no criticism there!  The tragedy happens when slowly but surely, with each addition to the family - that woman's world revolves more and more around being a mom and she forgets that she was a wife FIRST.

Ladies it's easy to love and adore your children like you've never known...they are a PART of you and God designed you with nurturing and mothering instincts as strong as anything this side of heaven (raising children may not be easy...but loving them is).  That love comes naturally...the love you have for your husband is a choice you make. Your marriage is the relationship you made a vow and commitment to uphold on your wedding day. (Discussing the topic of love as a choice you make daily to put your spouse and their needs first - a decision to die to self - is a whole blog post of it's own.)  But guess what happens when you stop making that choice and quit making room in your heart for that person...?  What happens when from the moment you wake up to the moment your head hits the pillow you are all about the kids and only about the kids?  What happens when the person whom you created those children with slowly becomes a burden instead of a blessing...when that man who vowed to love, care, and provide for you until death do you part becomes a nuisance because there "isn't enough of you to go around".  A marriage crumbles, that's what happens.

I see women who begin to resent their husband and the only communication to him is that of criticism for what he forgot, what he didn't do right, his inept parenting skills, long working hours, the items not crossed off the honey-do list, and so forth and so on.  It's heartbreaking really.  Women who struggle with this are missing a HUGE factor here.  If you REALLY want to show your children love and what real love looks like, if you REALLY want them to grow up in a healthy home and learn forgiveness, respect, hard work, dedication, sacrifice, teamwork, commitment etc. for their own lives and their futures...then show them a healthy marriage!  Show them where it all begins!  Be the husband, wife, you want them to be.  And together...secondly...be the parents God called you to be.

Protect the foundation of your home...your marriage.  You moms out there - share your ideas and suggestions for keeping these priorities in line.
Ideas such as:

• Be committed and consistent about bedtimes in order to preserve some alone time at night with your spouse.
• Don't feel guilty about insisting your children sleep in their own bed.
• Make regular date nights a priority.
• Take vacations alone, even if it's just a 3 day weekend somewhere near your home.

I LOVED this quote by author Amber Doty,

"In a few short years, our son and daughter will leave our home, and when they do, I want to celebrate a job well done with my lover, not sit in a quiet house with a person who has become a stranger as a result of year of quietly drifting further apart."

BONUS Section
Some of my other favorite quotes about this topic are:
        "Spoil your spouse, not your children."
        "Marriage before mothering."

and this quote as well...

14 Day Love Your Husband Challenge - Day 13

Two things that us wives need to be doing for our husbands...

Praying FOR him
Praying WITH him

It seems so simple...obvious really...but do we do it as often as we should?
I don't!  When am I the most mindful of praying for my husband...when it affects me!  When there is something at stake for me, when I'm troubled or burdened, anxious or worrisome and it involves my husband...I'm fairly quick to pray...but at my heart's center, I'm often praying for my own benefit.

I'm not nearly as diligent about praying JUST for him.  We do pray regularly together each night at supper - but it's often brief because we're both hungry and impatient to eat.  It's more of an obligatory prayer, often not the kind of intimate praying that would draw the 2 of us closer together.

If we better understood our husbands and the challenges they face each day, the struggles they're dealing with, the temptations lurking, the discouragement and stress etc., I think more of us would be quicker to lift him up to God.  That's our JOB as his helpmate - as his other half.  We're supposed to fill the gap and intercede on his behalf in prayer.  

Praying together is a powerful bonding experience, one God uses to draw husband and wife to one another.  Bowing before the Lord as one...seeking guidance and help as parents, as lovers, as partners etc. lifting up family, friends, and more should be a regular occurrence.  But don't let praying with your husband be the only way.

Praying FOR your husband is powerful in it's own way and I would challenge you to pray for him out loud!  Something about hearing your own voice presenting your requests to the Lord on your husband's behalf helps seal them in your heart and helps make you more aware.  Another thing I'd recommend is to ASK your husband how you could pray for him.  It might seem silly...to think that you live in the same house with a man who is the father of your children, your best friend etc. but don't know how to pray for him.  Who but you would know better how to pray for him right?  But really, ask him!  You might be surprised to learn of struggles, battles, etc. that's he's dealing with but hasn't shared with you...in an attempt to "protect" you or make sure he doesn't "worry" you.

Praying out loud for your husband and with your husband is essential.  And seeing the movement of God in your marriage and in your husband can grow your faith like nothing else.

Today's challenge is to ask your husband how and what you can be praying for - and then pray out loud, hearing the requests your making to God and committing them to memory so you can share and celebrate together when those prayers are answered! :)

14 Day Love Your Husband Challenge - Day12

I chatted with my hubby tonight and got his input on a good challenge for Day 12. ;)
His response was a great one but the tricky part for me is that it doesn't have an easy or obvious action step.  There's not a simple directive I can give you to try.

BUT - just so you know that I practice what I preach and that I truly buy in to what I'm sharing on this blog...remember day #8's challenge to ask for your husband's opinion and then take his advice?  Well here goes!

His input was...SUPPORT your husband.  My husband said, "Know that we're going to fail sometimes and mess up sometimes but we need your support".  I might add that husbands need our support differently than a 3 or 4 yr. old.  We have to be able to support them without babying them or making them feel like a child.

Our husbands are human and they're going to make mistakes.  It's a LOT of responsibility they have: Being a provider, the spiritual leader, a best friend/confidant/companion, a lover who pursues and courts his wife, a dad, and much more.  In our homes and in our marriages we need to offer our husbands a safe place to stumble and know that they still have our support and that we aren't going anywhere.  Our support does NOT mean that they need us to "fix" things for them.

Most of the time this support is as simple as listening to them.  We can be supportive by celebrating our husbands achievements, even the little ones!  We can also be supportive by not being critical, annoyed, irritated etc. when they do make a mistake.  An obvious and CRITICAL way to support our husbands is by praying for them!  Respect and support are VERY similar in that we need to trust our husbands to make the difficult decisions and then stick by them whatever that decision is (even when we don't like it).  Another big one is not to undermine him and go against his instructions and wishes when it comes to the children.  The best way to support our husbands is to remember our role as his "helpmate".

I'd love to hear your thoughts and suggestions on today's challenge to support your husband.  What are some ways you do it?

14 Day Love Your Husband Challenge - Day 11

Day 11...well how long was I going to go without bringing this one up...
Did you think you'd get through all 14 days without this being addressed?...you were wrong ;)

I'm going to cut right to the chase, but I hope you won't quit reading just because you know the answer...

Day 11 Challenge = Make physical intimacy with him a priority.

*sigh*  Why is this one so tricky?  Why is something that is such a priceless gift God gave us in marriage so easy to take for granted, put aside, and overlook?  Why is it that we long for that intimacy before marriage but after, it becomes such a chore at times?  Well, it's jobs, kids, lack of time, lack of sleep, lack of privacy, changes in hormones, distractions and so forth and so on...but the biggest reason of all is simply a change in our priorities.  Really that's what it boils down to...in most cases (I realize there are medical situations and other things that factor into some relationships).

Wanna know why God spoke directly to us about this topic in His word?  Because He knew we'd struggle...and that our own selfish needs, desires, and prerequisites would be an issue. He knew we'd get our priorities all out of whack! :)

1 Corinthians 7:2-5 But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband.  For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

I think a common misconception and misunderstanding among wives is a lie we believe from the love scenes in books, TV, and movies.  Rarely do we see "real life" - we see fiction - 2 people "in the mood" at the same time, no sick kids that kept you up the night before, no bedtime battles with children, no late night work projects with early morning meeting deadlines, etc.  We think it should be that effortless and convenient every time with lots of passion etc...but that's not real life!  Yes sexual intimacy is a gift, but it's also a sacrifice sometimes.  Its a gift we give to the other regardless of how tired we are and whether we "feel like it" or not.  Obviously there times when each spouse needs to be respectful of the other and there are times when we truly need to "take a rain check" but we shouldn't let this be the norm and we certainly shouldn't let the "rain checks" pile up.

Side Note: There may be things husbands could work on and areas where their efforts would pay off, things they could improve on...but some husband somewhere needs to write that blog post.  I'm speaking to wives and what we can do on our end.

A couple important points I want to make regarding today's topic and challenge:

1. Second to loving God with all our heart, soul, and mind...loving our husband should be next. Knowing that our husbands have a deep need for physical intimacy...it's safe to assume that meeting that need and enjoying the gift of intimacy in our marriage is one of the most holy things we can do as a wife.
   
2. Women like to have the emotional connection first, our heart needs to be in it and feel close to our husband before we're interested in sex but men are the opposite.  They get an emotional connection AFTER sex.  Because men are created with a craving or desire for this physical act that is generally much greater than our needs as a wife...it's safe to assume the times we get that emotional connection beforehand will be less, and the times that we give our bodies to our husbands out of selflessness, obedience etc. will be more...and that's O.K.! You know why?  Because...we can actually get that emotional connection AFTER as well, just like our husbands do!  

The point is - whether you're "in the mood" or whether you "feel like it" or not...isn't important.  It's nice when it happens, but it's not a prerequisite.  Not depriving one another is the point, and by NOT depriving one another - BOTH of you still benefit from a tighter bond and emotional closeness.  On top of that - you're honoring God with your bodies.

I probably need another blog post entirely to discuss how this helps our husbands in almost every area of their life.  When a husband is sexually satisfied, it helps him sleep better, focus at work better, have a better, more positive mood, and stand firm against daily temptations and distractions.

So wives, put it on the calendar, schedule it in your day, reward yourself with some kind of incentive to uphold the schedule...I don't care how you do it, but make making love to your husband a priority...that's the challenge!

14 Day Love Your Husband Challenge - Day 10

Have you ever heard a bunch of ladies together complaining about their husbands?  Have you ever been one of them?  I know husbands and wives are totally different and sometimes it's nice to talk with a fellow female who understands the struggle.  It's nice to know that it isn't just YOU, and there isn't something terribly wrong with you...it really IS a male/female thing.  I think it's possible to discuss common frustrations without making your husband sound bad.  That's not really what I'm getting at here...

I'm talking about those women who just seem to be miserable 24/7.  There are ladies who would have others around them think their husband is completely incompetent and incapable of doing anything right.  Sadly, it's really EASY to jump in and swim around in the negativity pool.  What is it about putting someone else down - even when it's someone we supposedly love very much - that makes us feel better about ourselves?

Once a person gets comfortable talking negatively about their husband when he's not around, it soon becomes easy to put him down in front of people too!  This has some close ties to yesterday's challenge about respect.  This is the ultimate in disrespecting a man...putting him down in public.

Today's challenge isn't simply to NOT do that...to NOT publicly criticize your husband...but rather, I'm going to challenge you to praise/compliment your husband in public!  It doesn't have to be overly dramatic, or mushy...but simply mentioning something he's great at does a lot to affirm him!

Mark Twain said, "I can live for two months on a good compliment".  If that is true for most men, then guess what it does when that compliment comes from a man's "other half"...the one he gives the most to, sacrifices the most for, and the person he gave his last name to - that's powerful!

So take the challenge, and make your husband feel loved by learning the power of publicly praising your husband!

14 Day Love Your Husband Challenge - Day 9

If you haven't gone through the Love & Respect series by Dr. Emerson Eggerich...you're missing out! This was a huge game changer for our marriage.  But if you HAVE completed that couples study, then you know full well that men hear "I love you" through the way we respect them.

That word, R-E-S-P-E-C-T makes or breaks them.  If a husband feels respected it's a boost of encouragement like nothing else, but without it...the lack of respect can literally destroy a man.

Research has indicated that husbands would rather feel unloved than unrespected...that's what gets them at their very core.  Think about the things you respect about your husband.  For example my husband is a man of amazing integrity and he's an incredibly hard worker.  He's also very generous. There's 3 things I was able to come up with very quickly...often these kinds of things are what might come to mind first if you were describing your husband to someone who had never met him.  If someone said, "tell me about your husband, what kind of guy is he?",,,what comes to mind?  Those are probably things you respect about him

Our brains aren't wired to be very sensitive to respect, and so while it exists in there somewhere, it isn't natural for us to communicate it...yet our husbands crave it.  The way gas fuels a vehicle, respect fuels your husband.  Your challenge for day #9 is to communicate that to him.  You could just say it out loud but there's a chance you'll forget.  I'm not discouraging speaking directly to him and sharing how much you respect him but I'm going to challenge you one step further.  Your challenge is to write it down, make a little "love note" for him that's actually a list of at least 3 things you respect about him.  Leave it somewhere he'll find it: tape it to the steering wheel of his vehicle, or swing by his work and leave it on his keyboard, maybe you can set it on the bathroom sink where he'll see it when he gets home.

Speak love to him in the language his heart most longs to hear.

Ephesians 5:33  However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

14 Day Love Your Husband Challenge - Day 8

Do you ever ask your husband's opinion on something...?
If you don't, then let's start there. :)  You probably don't need or want his opinion on EVERYTHING...nor does he want to have to think about and give you an opinion on EVERYTHING...but most husbands would appreciate being consulted from time to time.  They like to know their opinion and thoughts matter to their wives.

Here's where I screw up.  I often ask his opinion on things...it's part of my vetting ideas process.  I'm always curious what he thinks, and I appreciate him giving me his thoughts.  But as I continue working through all angles of a situation or as I change my mind about how I want to fix my hair, thus changing the factors weighing in on what outfit I'll wear, I often - or as my husband would say ALWAYS - do the opposite! LOL   "Always" is an exaggeration, but what is true, is that I often enjoy picking his brain, getting his input, but then end up going a different direction.  

Seemed harmless to me really, but I had no idea how it was affecting him.  It makes our husbands feel like they don't matter and very disrespected when their advice or suggestions fall on deaf ears.  I had no idea that's what I was communicating to my husband! Ouch! :(  He explained to me that when I ask him to think or spend time analyzing/evaluating something he probably doesn't care that much about - but he stops and makes an effort because he loves me - only to have me go off and do the opposite or something different...it's like a slap in the face to him.

So today's challenge, day #8, is to involve your husband when appropriate, get his input...but if you care enough to ask, and he cares enough to respond - take his advice!  If he picks the pink dress over the grey one, and you later realize it doesn't match your new jewelry or your fingernails as much as you had hoped...who cares!?  Most people won't notice or care about either one...but your husband cares!  If he picked the pink one and you walk out in something else - he automatically feels like he doesn't matter.  Booo...that stinks.  So - take the clash of the nails, the jewelry, or both...because at the end of the day - HE matters more. :)

Today's challenge is that simple: Ask his advice - and then take it.

Before you leave today...do me a favor and subscribe to the blog if you haven't...future posts will go right to your email and you can easily read and share from there!

14 Day Love Your Husband Challenge - Day 7

Yay for halfway!...7 pretty painless days down, and 7 to go. If you're reading along with me each day, then you know that these challenges aren't rocket science, but they ARE little reminders of what we must take back. Little things that the stresses and demands of life squelch, leaving us feeling empty and worse yet, leaving our spouse feeling empty. The reality is...these challenges don't just benefit him. If you'll follow through with these things, his response will benefit you! It's a Win Win!

I mentioned yesterday that today's post would tie closely to it. Go back and read yesterday's if you haven't already...it's short...but today we're building on that. Hopefully you know some of your husbands favorite things about you, and if not...then ask him! Find out! But in most cases - we KNOW some things that they really like about us. Pay attention to the things your husband does compliment...does he like your eyes, does he like your hair a certain way, does he have a favorite dress you wear, does he love how your legs look in heels, or is their a certain perfume you know draws him in? Do those things and wear those things for him! In my case, my husband prefers my hair long and straightened, he's not a fan of too much make up and he loves my blue eyes (hates when I wear glasses that hide them). So then...the obvious approach here is...to wear my hair straightened for him and make sure I have my contacts in! It's that simple - but too often - we simply go with what we "feel" like for the night, or what's easiest.

I know, I know...there are nights when there just isn't time to get your hair blow dryed and the kids ready...I get it. I'm not suggesting that this is how you have to style yourself every single day...but be MINDFUL of what he loves...be AWARE of what catches his eye and makes him take notice...and don't make him go so long without it. It's pretty simple really. If you know what he finds attractive and beautiful, then cater to that as often as possible, and then, looping back to yesterday's challenge...when he tells you how much he loves it, Thank Him without protest! :)

14 Day Love Your Husband Challenge - Day 6

Why is it the simplest things can be so difficult?  Trust me, these challenges are coming from some very real struggles and from a very imperfect wife who continues to pursue God first and her husband next and is slowly learning how to better be the spouse her husband needs.

Today's challenge is going to tie closely with tomorrow's and it simply is...
Let him love you!  Let him find you attractive and quit trying to change his mind.  Today's challenge is not about what you need to do, but rather about what NOT to do.

When my husband says, "You're sexy" or "You're beautiful" what do I do?  I argue with him!!! I say things like, "No I'm not" or "Not anymore I'm not".  What? *smh* Why?  How is it that I want my husband to find me beautiful, I want him to be attracted to me and I NEED to hear that...yet when I do hear it, I try to override it with my own doubt and insecurity?

If you catch yourself doing that, you're not alone, but stop it!  Your challenge is to quit turning his compliment into an argument.  Quit discounting how he feels about you.  Use it as a perfect opportunity to respond back and give him a similar compliment.

The second half of today's challenge is...if your hubby doesn't tell you this enough, if you need to hear it more than you are...TELL Him!  Our husbands hate the guessing game, it exhausts them.  Most of them desperately want to do what makes us happy and if we share simple pointed suggestions they REALLY appreciate it!

So if he pays you a compliment - take it - give him the opportunity to pay you a compliment without discounting it, and if he's not paying you enough and you're desperately needing more reassurance...then let him know.  Say, "Honey, I've realized that when you tell me you love me or that you think I'm the prettiest girl in the world that it makes my day.  And when you forget to tell me, I get really down on myself and seem to struggle more.  Can you try to remind me of this at least once a week?"  (you can insert your own time frame).

14 Day Love You Husband Challenge - Day 5

It's no secret that our marriages are under siege today and did you know it's reported that more than 60% of affairs begin at work?
People who work together obviously have some common interests/passions in order to be employed in the same field, but you know what else feeds the drive to cheat in the workplace?  Flirting!  That person at work likely has common interests but beyond that...they flirt.

Do you know what married people do very little of? Same answer...flirting!

The same things that got your husband a giggle, or some other kind of enamored response while the two of you were dating...likely gets him either no response now, or worse...get's him an eye roll or a look of repulse/annoyance.  

flirt

flərt/

verb

gerund or present participle: flirting

1. 1.

   behave as though attracted to or trying to attract someone

Just because there are rings on your fingers doesn't mean you stop letting your husband pursue you or hinting that you're interested in him!  Keep him engaged by flirting with him.  Maybe at dinner play footsie with him under the table, or give his bum a little swat when he passes by. If you're in a public place catch his eye, and then smile and wink.  Flirt with him via text!  Send him little messages about missing him, or what you want to do to him later that night.  Like most of these challenges, today's challenge is NOT difficult, you simply have to make a conscious effort.  Not only am I encouraging you to flirt with your husband...RESPOND if he flirts with you.  Don't act annoyed and discard his attempts either.

When you flirt with your husband you are telling him that you're attracted to him and interested.  But...be careful.  If you send him the signal that you are attracted and interested, but then there is no follow through - then it won't take long for him to get extra discouraged and frustrated.  I'm not saying you have to flirt with him every day and I'm also not saying that every time you flirt has to lead to sex...but make sure there is regular follow through.  Don't set him up and get his hopes up just to leave him hanging.

14 Day Love Your Husband Challenge - Day 4

Today's challenge is quick and simple...or so it should be.  It's not just simple - it's quick but oh-so-effective!  This can take as little as 30 to 60 seconds of your day. When your husband walks in the door at the end of the day, after a long day at work, drop what you're doing and go greet him!

You as the wife set the mood in your home.  Make your husband's arrival at home something of significance.  It's take so little effort from you, but does so much for him!  It tells your husband that he was missed, that he's appreciated, and that he's important to you.  A man's home is his safe haven...his castle...his domain.  If he comes home to the ice princess or to the arctic zone of ZERO warmth...it quickly dispells his eagerness to get there.  If he walks in to a home that is too busy to notice or care if he's there or not...he feels unnecessary.

When we walks in the door, make a point to greet him with a "Welcome home babe", or a hug, or a quick kiss...and let your children see it!  Teach them that it's important to acknowledge the contribution dad makes.  You're also teaching them to respect and honor him as the head of your household!

Want a bonus challenge...this welcome would NOT be one for your kids to see...;) but spice it up a little every once in a while, maybe during a particularly stressful time at work for him, or at the end of a week you know was especially trying for him,  Welcome him home in just an apron perhaps?  Get creative, you can come up with something special I'm sure but the most important take away is the daily greeting, the "welcome home special" is just a bonus! :)

14 Day Love Your Husband Challenge - Day 3

Want to know what your husband craves from you the way you crave his affection?  It's simple really...it's your undivided attention.  He wants to be your sole focus on a regular basis.  Ladies, I'll be honest, I can multi-task with the best of you...we are wired that way...to be thinking about several things at once.  It's no problem for me to have supper on the stove, be emptying the dishwasher, and talking to him about my day or asking him about his...I'm probably putting groceries away too...sound familiar?  I know I'm not alone here!

Our husbands however, are NOT wired that way.  Their brains work differently and are designed (by GOD) to focus on only 1 thing at at time.  That's where their attention is and that's what they're thinking about.  If you've never watched "The Tale of Two Brains" by Mark Gungor - do check it out.  He does a fabulous AND funny job of illustrating how differently our brains work!

When your husband is needing a connection with you and is trying to engage with you but you're checking your phone, going through the mail, and putting away laundry, he feels insignificant and unimportant.  He longs for you to be focused on him - and it doesn't have to be a HUGE chunk of time either.  Just make a point to let him know he matters most...more than dishes, laundry, and facebook.  Maybe this is time in the morning before the kids are up, or maybe it means a conscious committed routine that has them in bed at a regular time that is early enough for the 2 of you to have time together after they're down for the night.  Maybe you have regular lunch dates or if your husband travels then maybe it's phone time or facetime but EVEN then ladies...he can tell if you're doing 7 other things while you're talking to him. He doesn't want to feel like a nuisance or a distraction to you, he wants to feel like your other half.

Today's challenge is to give him that 10-20 minutes daily to reassure him that he has your heart!  It's going to take practice and discipline but starting today, work on making sure that you're listening to what he's saying, and thinking about only that...only him and what he's talking about (side note: he doesn't need you to fix anything, he literally JUST needs your attention).  Some men don't walk through the door ready to spill the beans about their day and give you all the details...you may have to be interested enough in him to ask questions.  That said,,,there may be days when he doesn't feel like talking but you can give him your attention and your sole focus other ways.  For example, my husband shaves his head bald and he LOVES it when I tickle his head and neck, so I could simply sit next to him, tickle his head and tell him about my day.

Sounds simple enough right?  But for most of us, our default mode is the opposite of this.   Oprah said it well:

14 Day Love Your Husband Challenge - Day 2

It's only day 2, I hope you're still with me! :)  We're on a 14 day challenge to better love our husbands!

Believe it or not...husbands don't need our love.  That's how we're wired.  We ladies need to know we're loved (and then need reminded and reassured), but are husbands aren't driven by that.  Did you know that your husband is actually insecure in a different way?  It revolves around feeling inadequate.  I remember reading somewhere that our husbands would rather feel unloved than feel inadequate and it stuck with me - it's a great point!

How often do I make my husband feel inadequate...and in little ways that I don't even realize!!!?

Whether we are aware of it or not, our men are vulnerable in their own way.  We may think they're Superman, but they don't, and they might not even realize WE think that.  Our daily critiquing and routine exasperation with what they don't get done, or don't do the way we think it should be done, communicates something very different.  It wears on them to the point that many men will just quit trying.  They'd rather be elsewhere, at work perhaps, where they feel like they DO get their job done right and they ARE adequate than be at home where they're reminded of all the ways they aren't good enough.

Want to know something else about your man...?  He's not real good at verbalizing these kinds of things, so it's not something that's easy for him to communicate...he's not likely to come to you and tell you that he needs more affirmation from you for even the littlest things!

Day #2 challenge it to be on the watch for the littlest of things that your husband does and acknowledge them...focus on the things he does well and don't take them for granted...let him know that he does it well and that you love how he does it.  

An example from my marriage involves our wood burning stove.  We don't have heat in our house without it and my husband loves cutting firewood.  However he's taken it further than just piling some wood outside and pointing me towards the pile.  He chops it to the size that is ideal for our stove, the size that will fit in nicely, but burn for long periods of time.  He brings in the wood and fills the stove at night and then opens the airway up to help the fire burn hotter and gets it really going, and then settles it down to more of a "simmer" to get us through the night.  It's not uncommon for him to get up in the middle of the night and check it.  He then wakes up before me and stokes the stove in the morning so it's nice and cozy when I get out of bed, and finally, before he leaves for the day he gets it all set right to burn slow and steady through the day while we're away.  There is way more to it than what I know or you care to read...my point is that he does this daily and I don't ever acknowledge it.  I don't even think about it.  I have an ax and a chainsaw and I'm a fit gal who's fully capable of going outside and bringing wood in etc, but man am I thankful that I don't have to!  I don't want to worry about it, and I don't have to, but I also don't tell him enough how awesome he is for keeping my home warm and cozy.  This is just one example but your challenge for day #2 is to look for things that your husband does really well and let him know!  Occasionally, if it comes up in conversation...let other people know what your husband does well too!  It's affirming in a special kind of way if he hears you tell someone else what you appreciate.

Now, for you type A's out there who love lists as much as I do, don't go make some long list and stand before him reading aloud to him all the ways he's capable like it's some kind of obligation...just be mindful...and watchful...and with regularity - starting today - let him know when he "rocks" and the things he does that you LOVE...and as a result...he'll feel loved, but more than that, he'll feel adequate.

14 Day Love Your Husband Challenge - Day 1

It's Feb. 14 - Valentine's Day! :) :)  I'll admit - it's not a big ta-doo in this household.  Just ask my husband what he thinks of a made up day that has been capitalized on by the shopping industry as a way to encourage money being spent on material things to help them recover from the January slump after the holidays...he'll tell you his thoughts...I promise! *snicker*

Truth be told - gifts are my love language and I don't care what day they come on - I love them!  So I'm not hear to criticize gifts if Valentine's Day IS a big deal to you.  I think my husband's point is...he doesn't have to spend tons of money to prove he loves me, in fact, he doesn't have to spend any money at all, and if he's going to get me gifts he'd rather do it when he wants and not out of some obligation/expectation that our culture pushes on this particular day.  But his biggest pet peeve, is that he'd rather strive to be a man who makes me feel loved every day (and he'd rather other husbands pursue this goal as well) than make some big spectacle on Valentin's Day and then go back to the same 'ole same 'ole every other day of the year.

Anyway, gift talk aside...I'm not encouraging us to think about what our husbands got or didn't get us this Valentine's Day, but I do want to suggest ways we can show them love!  They're basic, nothing earth shattering, but gosh darn it...I get busy and I forget, and sometimes I just need a right up in my grill reminder to get my act together and keep pursuing the wife God calls me to be...one that grows, matures, and gets better at my "wife" job  honor every day!

So make sure you subscribe to this blog, and I'd be honored if you shared it with other wives...and keep up with me the next 14 days as I give you 1 daily challenge/suggestion for a way to intentionally and purposefully love your husband! :)

This weekend - (maybe just tomorrow if you already have V-day plans today) pick something that you KNOW he loves you to do with him...one of "his" hobbies that maybe you usually roll your eyes at, or rarely have time for, or would rather not do if we're being honest, and do it with him.  Don't just do it with me, but be positive/happy about it and commit to enjoying every minute of it...no complaints.  Does he like shooting guns? Bowling? Golfing? Welding in the shop? Woodworking projects? Whatever it is that is usually his escape or that thing you've convinced yourself that he'd rather do alone anyway...make a point to schedule time to do it with him...if not this weekend, then soon, and bring it up and make the plans THIS weekend!

I'll be back tomorrow with another 14-day Love Your Husband challenge, but in the meantime I shall dig out my wood cutting gear and carve out some time to bundle up in some seriously unflattering coveralls, with googles and earplugs, and find out when we can go cut some firewood together.

5 Reasons To Stay Away From 50 Shades of Grey!

Let me save you the $10+ it's going to cost you to get into the movie this weekend and while I save you money, let me also save your eyes, mind, and heart.  Here are 5 reasons to stay away from 50 Shades of Grey.

I had to break away from my "Beautiful Is..." series to address this timely topic, but stay tuned...we'll get back on track!

5 Reasons to Stay Away 

1. It's not just innocent fun with girlfriends...but that IS the lie that Satan would have you believe!

We women are emotional creatures and we can store memories like a steel trap.  Our memories are tied to emotions and once our eyes have seen and ears have heard...we can't unsee or unhear.  Each time we replay the scenes in our head, we'll continue to relive the emotions tied to them.  It's not long before our own real life experiences with our spouse become bland and emotionless in comparison.

2. This isn't the kind of submission that is beautiful...and it's not what God designed for us as women.

Submission has gotten such a bad rap in our society because the worldy view portrays women as some kind of weak victim that has no voice or thoughts or input...no contribution at all.  That isn't an accurate portrayal of God's design at all, nor is the kind of submission in this movie, yet it's glamorized  on a big movie screen so now it's seen as exciting and erotic.  The submission that God calls on us for is out of love and respect for a man (our husband) who absolutely cherishes us, protects us, and enjoys us...a man who provides for us and dies to himself to put our needs first...a man who would never want to harm us. Violence is never sexy and this kind of submission is not either.

3.  Porn is not the way to "spice" up your marriage, it is however, a great way to destroy a marriage.  And yes, this is porn.
A bigger film budget and better actors does not change the fact that this is porn.  Did you know that 56% of divorces point to porn addiction/obsession as a factor and that 88% of pornography shows some level of physical aggression towards women?  Think watching it just once won't do any harm or have any lasting effects?  Ask ANY addict (of ANY kind) if they thought anything bad would come from trying it "just once".  And Eve thought one bite of that apple wouldn't be a big deal either...
You could do a whole lot more for your marriage and your sexual intimacy by simply being available to one another and being open about your needs...and THEN be more interested in meeting one another's needs than going to watch some degrading movie about a fictional person's needs. 

4.  Lust isn't just a sin for husbands.
Because men are typically more sexually driven, society often thinks of them as the ones who struggle with lust.  But here's the definition of lust: uncontrolled or illicit sexual desire or appetite; an overmastering desire or craving.  Lust is just as crippling and unhealthy for women, and it has just as much power over us.  The minute we entertain thoughts or fantasies of something more or different than our husband is...the door is open for us to check out and leave behind our realities.  This is very dangerous because it doesn't take long before "real" can't measure up to the "fantasy".

5.  In real life - the 50 Shades of Grey relationships aren't erotic at all...
in fact they're dangerous at best and deadly at worst.  Ask any victim of sex trafficking how erotic and arousing their experiences were.  Let them describe what it's like to be dominated by a man sexually and how it feels when violence and pain are used.  In real life the man that needs this kind of control sexually almost always needs it in other areas of his life as well, and all too often, someone's life is at stake when he doesn't have or can't maintain that control.  Don't let the fact that it's Melanie Griffith's daughter and that the previews show a really luxurious teal blindfold cloud your perception of this film.

Do yourself, your husband, your marriage, and your bank account a favor by not going.  Take a stand this weekend and share these truths with other women in your midst.  Find Beautifully Broken on Facebook and stay tuned for a 14 day "Love Your Husband" challenge kicking off on February 14.

1 Corinthians 6:18-20  

18 Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. 

19 Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; 20 you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.

(Part 3) Beautiful Is...about what you wear! Take Katy Perry for example...

I know you're thinking I just got really superficial on you all, so I'll explain.
No I haven't shifted my focus to external things that don't matter and I'll admit I'm no fashionista.
If it were up to me - I'd wear fitness clothes 365 days a year.  I'm a sucker for flip flops or tennis shoes, comfy shorts, and a tank top or t-shirt.  It doesn't help that I can't stand shopping and don't have the patience to try things on...and the awful lighting in those dressing rooms...do I really need to go on?

There is more to what you wear than just being able to sport the most current trends in colors that are flattering on you!  I'll leave the fashion blogging to someone else.  But at the heart of it...what you wear says a lot about well...your heart!  I'm referring to that painfully "prudish" word...modesty...there, I said it.  I'll just get the next phrase over with right away while we're ripping the band-aid off...modesty matters (I'm cringing with you, but I promise...it's true!).

Now I recognize that there are various levels of expectation associated with this word and there are many who believe women should only wear long sleeves and long dresses etc.  Others would criticize me if they knew that my shoulders have shown many a time when I wear tank tops or blouses without sleeves.  I don't wish to argue where to draw the line regarding modesty but I do want to talk about increasing awareness.

What does any of this have to do with Katy Perry?  Well, it was watching the Super Bowl, that gave me the idea for a blog post on modesty as it relates to beauty.  As we sat with our care cell group from church approaching half time, I began to feel dread as I prepared myself for Katy Perry's show.  I fully expected her to wear as little clothing as possible and dance as sexually provocatively as possible and not only would I prefer my own husband not see that, I was sitting in a room full of other husbands who didn't need to see that either.  After all today's pop culture is all about pushing the bubble and what better an opportunity than on a HUGE stage like the Superbowl? Could Katie Perry have worn MORE, yes, certainly...but I was pleasantly surprised and relieved that both her attire and her dance moves which could have been completely over the top with sexual nature and provocativeness were controlled and entertaining (relatively speaking).  The focus was clearly on the staging the characters and props in the performance, the grand entrance and the fascinating exit and while modesty and Katy Perry may not be used in the same sentence often...I was thankful that she didn't take the opportunity to parade around practically  naked on TVs all over America.

You see, I was once a girl who sought to fill a void, to heal the deep pain of my husband leaving me, by dressing in a way that was intended to catch a man's eye.  I don't know if I would have ever admitted it, but I definitely desired attention from men and thought that would help me feel more confidant and secure in myself.  Yet at the same time, I was somehow oblivious to my actions and choices.

Now that I'm older and happily married to a man who is completely devoted me, I better understand what I didn't know back then.  I now realize that God made men to desire women at a level I can't fully comprehend.  He created men with a drive and heightened sensitivity to all things female...and absolutely men have a responsibility to protect their eyes and be respectful of women, but as I watch our society and the way the media sprawls women in practically nothing ALL over billboards, ads, commercials, and more...I've become painfully aware of how challenging that can be day in and day out for men.  The more aware of it I become, the more relentless I realize it is.

Imagine being on a diet and trying to stay away from that which tempts you the MOST (say chocolate, or in my case...donuts) and that's what you are offered for each meal very day.  All the donut stores in town are running sales and every time you turn around, someone is offering you another one. That would be MISERABLE!

Let's cut to the chase - shall we?

Married women...your body is your husband's and your lines and curves and all things feminine are for him so share them with only him.

Unmarried women...your body is your FUTURE husband's and your lines and curves and all things feminine are for him so save them for him and only him.

All women, scrutinize your wardrobe for those things that don't need to be there...and if you have any question at all, don't buy it, and don't keep it! :)

As I said above, modesty DOES matter but what's beautiful?  Classy is beautiful.  A woman with class is a woman who respects her body enough to save it for the right person, who respects men enough to spare them unnecessary temptation, and a woman who is confidant enough that she need not show "too much" to feel good about herself.


Proverbs 11:22  Like a gold ring in a pig's snout is a beautiful woman without discretion.

1 Timothy 2:8-10  I desire then that in every place the men should pray, lifting holy hands without anger or quarreling; likewise also that women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly attire, but with what is proper for women who profess godliness—with good works.

Matthew 5:28  But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

Here's to keeping it classy!